Mama's Life

So....

2012-01-31T19:04:00.003-05:00

Just thought I'd tell you that I haven't died. I just have a really stinking boring life. ;-)

Grumpy and stressed but still here

2011-11-30T10:37:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I've been gone awhile again. Here's the thing...if I posted regularly all my blog posts would be the same thing: struggling, depressed, hopeless, wait! I feel a ray of hope, nope, it's gone, hopeless again, eating, not working out, stressed, worked out!, ate ice cream afterward, jeans tight, why even try, bored, bored, nothing going on, something happened that is bad, something else bad, woe is me, bored again, stressed...

See what I mean? Who wants to read that garbage? So I just don't post and after awhile I forget this little blog exists. Sorry.

Updates. Well, down cycles galore, obviously, helped along by some inadvertent hurtful comments made by my two sisters. (Another post, perhaps) Stress out the you-know-where, thanks to a major schooling decision that needs to be made for my daughter for next year, and non-stop wondering of what I'll do if I'm not homeschooling anymore. (PANIC!) Yet more stress, due to an almost comical series of everything falling apart at once: my van breaking down YET AGAIN only now it is in two different areas at the same time, our sewage system keeps backing up YET AGAIN and obviously in need of major (and crazy expensive) repairs, and our roof sprung a new and rather impressive leak during the 2nd rainiest November ever!

(UGH. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it can surely make life a bit easier, I dare say!)

Surprisingly, I'm not really freaking out. Oh, I don't feel GOOD about any of this junk, but I guess all of the hard times over the years have smoothed out my rough edges just a hair. Enough that I just keep plugging away without the ugly panic attack that used to accompany each event I mentioned above. Now? I pick up the phone, call Hubby, and find a way to deal. Hm. Guess God really is using the bad stuff to bring out some good. Whatdoyaknow! ;-)

As for weight stuff, I'm still holding around 130. I have good days and bad ones, nothing terribly consistent yet, which is hindering my progress for sure. At least I feel like I've stopped the upward climb, so there's that. I'm actually suspicious that I might have an ongoing thyroid issue, which I will get checked out after the first of the year. In the meantime, I know I have to at least force myself to walk everyday, which has actually gotten to be a struggle. I don't know what on earth is happening to my joints, specifically my right hip, but something is NOT right there and I'm having a lot of pain and some days I struggle getting around. You know what? Getting old stinks!

This is just a wonderfully uplifting post, is it not? (Um, NOT) See why I stay away? I'm just so grumpy! I will add a couple of GOOD things going on right now. This month we finished paying for the kiddo's braces! What a blessing that is, let me tell you. And right now I'm working on an online Bible study over the book of James and it has really been like a warm blanket around my shoulders. Despite all my struggles with church life, there's still a connection to God that I SO need right now. So yay for blessings amidst the storms. :)

Well, I just wanted to pop in and say hey, and now I'll be on my way. Maybe I'll be back soon, maybe not. Just in case I'm not back soon: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Quick update

2011-10-24T11:45:00.003-04:00

Sorry guys. I'm still all messed up, now firmly entrenched in a down cycle. Ugh. All the negative thoughts and hopelessness that goes along will it can wear you out, let me tell you! I thought if I could get through my monthly time that it would get better, but nope, still here. SO, now my plan is just to try to walk on the treadmill a few times this week and see if the exercise will act as a natural antidepressant. Fingers crossed.

Speaking of treadmill and needing to walk on it...I weighed in on Sunday and wow. I'm officially up 10 pounds! I have GOT to get a handle on my snacking. My meals aren't really that big of a problem for the most part, but I've definitely become a snack monster the past 3 or 4 months and it has certainly contributed to that ten pounds. I MUST try to get a grip. Truthfully, I'm not feeling 100% motivated to go back to counting calories or anything that drastic, but if I don't turn this around again soon, I'm going to have to do it because some of my clothes are not fitting right anymore! I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for the last month.

I know what to do....now it's time to actually do it, which is frankly the hard part, isn't it? Sadly, being in a down cycle means I want to fill up on comfort food all day long, so I'm fighting an uphill battle right now honestly. I keep telling myself at least my diet/exercise is perhaps the one thing in my life I can sort of control, so there's that, right?

Well, that's where I am right now, in a nutshell.

Time out

2011-10-12T11:52:00.004-04:00

I have really been trying to post regularly again, but sadly I've hit a bit of an emotional down cycle right now and it's given me blog-block. I just some really crappy life circumstances that seemingly will never end and I'm feeling absolutely tormented by the whole thing right now. It's so hard to think of stuff to write here about, since I'm spending a great deal of time and effort just trying to plow through this (once again!) without imploding.

Please, please whisper a prayer for me, if you're so inclined. Oh, I know that I'll eventually bounce back emotionally, but there's this part inside of me that I can feel dying and it is breaking my heart. Not to mention the life circumstances at the root of this problem desperately need to change, and it is abundantly clear that it will take nothing less than God's intervention. I am powerless and I feel so, so hopeless.

By the way, I disabled comments on this post, because I'm so not trolling for attention or trying to stir up drama. I just need to know someone is taking up this battle with me, even for a second. I have no one in 'real' life' where I live that I can turn to when I need support, so coming here and asking for your prayers is such a big thing. I really hope you know how much you guys mean to me.

Be back soon...

Remembering how to lose properly

2011-10-06T10:58:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't been posting much this week, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. It's a weird sinus thing...my nose isn't really that congested but my entire face and one side of my jaw hurts so bad that its really distracting, and I just feel pretty yucky overall. At any rate, I've been just laying low most of the week, only doing the bare minimum to get through each day. (No, workouts have not made that cut. Sorry, but being upright hurts!)

The only thing new this week is that my daughter's volleyball team finally lost a game on Tuesday (they were like 9-0 before that) and it was so upsetting for her! She cried off and on for like 2-3 hours, it was so sad. She so wanted to get through the season with a perfect record. She spent hours picking apart her own game, even though the few mistakes she made weren't the reason they lost. She made herself miserable instead of just realizing losses happen and moving forward.

I was really surprised to find that I wasn't too upset over the loss. Her team used to be so bad that they only won one game the first year, but they've improved so much over the past couple of years that now they've forgotten how to lose. In their minds, they became invincible. Me? I think balance is good. Losing means learning to properly deal with disappointment and it also adds a nice, healthy dose of humility.

Hmmmm. Betcha that can translate over to our lives, right? It's no secret that I often struggle because of God not answering our prayers and therefore allowing both big and small losses in our lives....but then I remember that when everything is awesome we tend to cruise along on 'us' power. We forget how helpless and dependent on God we really are! We sometimes lose our humility and our focus turns to the physical instead of the spiritual. We forget we're in a battle. We forget there is more to life than what we can see.

So, perhaps we need to be thankful for the losses in life, even though they definitely don't feel good and they tend to make us cry. Balance is good, and God surely knows that better than we do. Of course, this only works when we allow the loss to turn our attention back to God. Spending too much time focusing on ourselves (like my daughter was doing) only adds to the misery and replays the loss over and over in our heads.

Well, what do you know? Even through the grossness and inactivity of my week, God taught me a little lesson. So tell me...are there any losses recently in your life that have turned out to be blessings in disguise?

Weekend in review, cause I've got nothing else!

2011-10-03T13:33:00.003-04:00

Well, I am officially the parent of a teenager...my daughter turned 13 on Friday. I like to tease her that it doesn't feel any different to be a teenager to her, simply because she's been acting the part for years! :)

It was a quiet weekend for the most part. We took the birthday girl to dinner Friday at Red Robin (I didn't get my own meal, just shared a bit of each of theirs) and went shopping for boots, her requested gift from us. She ended up finding some really cute ones at Kohls, which is one of my favorite stores but not the cheapest place in the world! I almost got sucked in to shopping myself, but luckily the hour was late so I came home empty handed. I seriously need to drag myself off to the second hand store soon though, to rid myself of this fall-clothes shopping bug! :)

On Saturday my mom came for a visit (yay!) and we went to the kiddo's volleyball game (they're still undefeated, but it was a super-close call!), out to lunch at Panera (I didn't do very good there, so moving on...), and then shopping once again! Saturday night my husband and kiddo went out of town to see my bro-in-law and his kids, but I stayed home and had a quiet evening to myself. There wasn't really any food in the house so I totally skipped dinner, but then proceeded to eat almost an entire bag of baked Lays later. When will I learn to keep the house stocked with good food and not to let myself get that hungry? Sigh.

Sunday morning there was a bit (okay, a lot) of mama-induced ugly drama (I was oddly super-hormonal feeling but it isn't at the right time of the month...peri-menopause rearing it's ugly head again, perhaps?) and I ended up staying home from church. After some quiet time, a few apologies, and a Chinese food lunch (kid sized, I'm making an effort), I was back on track though! The rest of the day was spent at home waiting for craigslist people who never showed (for FREE stuff...really, people?) and Hubs painted a new (to us, that is) dresser for the kiddo. (It turned out so amazing, by the way! Crazy what ten bucks worth of spray paint can do to a $30 dresser.)

Sadly, I didn't do my normal Sunday afternoon grocery run though, so now the cupboards are bare and that doesn't bode well for healthy eating until I finally do drag myself shopping. Not that it matters much, with two volleyball games (Tues and Thurs) and also church on Wednesday, we will rarely be eating home cooking this week. This schedule is killing my diet. Thankfully, it'll all be done in a month, and then I vow to get the healthy home cooking back to normal. Nothing like two months of scarfing junk food in the car to make you crave baked chicken and salads! :)

The sun is out finally after a couple of weeks of raining almost non-stop, so it's time to get the bikes out and go enjoy some exercise mixed with the beautiful fall colors! I'm so looking forward to it, if only we can find the time. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and can find time to enjoy the fall weather this week, too!

Random weigh in

2011-09-29T11:45:00.002-04:00

Because I'm having a hard time remembering when to weigh in, I did a random one this morning and I think I'll just do random weigh ins for awhile and see how it goes. Why not, right? :)

My weight is still basically the same as it was earlier this month...no surprise there. You see, I've recently discovered these cheap mini-chocolate chip cookies that I love from the dollar store and also these things called Cheese-it Duos that really rocked my world. Binge city, baby. Oh, and this week was PMS week around these parts and I haven't worked out once. I suck as a weight loss blogger.

Oh well. Moving on. :)

Missing the mark

2011-09-28T13:13:00.003-04:00

So, I was poking around the internet the last couple of days, just looking for opinions on Harry Potter (yep, still not decided on that) and I must say that I am extremely surprised by how many things I do or believe that certain websites and/or bloggers say will send me straight to hell. Oh, I've always known I'm not a cookie-cutter Christian, but now I'm just flat shocked my own heathen-ness! :)

For example, we have a Christmas tree. Every single year! And, we decorate it and everything. Oh, and are you ready for this one? We used to take our daughter trick or treating. And we even passed out candy...ON HALLOWEEN of all nights!

We own a TV. (Okay, okay, we own several TVs, you got me!) My husband and I sometimes watch rated R movies after the kiddo has gone to bed. We listen to secular music in the car sometimes, you know, when we get tired of hearing the same 15 songs on kLove. We even think partaking in a bit of an alcoholic beverage every now and then is okay. (Am I losing you yet?)

We go to church on Sundays and not Saturdays, which is apparently the true sabbath day. (Oops!) We don't read the King James version of the Bible. (Okay, my hubby does, but he's a freak like that.) I even read The Message version sometimes!

We let our daughter swim with boys. We don't homeschool with a Christian curriculum. We are even considering pubic school! We don't wear dresses everyday or cover our heads with a scarf. We don't believe all Catholics automatically go straight to hell. Or all liberals. We don't believe Obama is the anti-christ, even if we don't like his policies very much.

We use contraception. We only have one child. (On purpose!) I don't read my Bible everyday. I sometimes eat without remembering to pray first. I laugh at mildly inappropriate jokes on the internet. I haven't read the Left Behind book series. I don't forward chain emails of any kind...especially ones with 'messages from God' in them.

We don't go door to door evangelizing and we don't picket abortion clinics. I don't hate gay people. Every once in a while my husband buys me a dollar scratch off lottery ticket while he's paying for gas...just because he gets a kick out of me furiously scratching it off and hoping I win. (I never have. Coincidence? I think not!)

I think it is perfectly fine for a Christian to have a tattoo and even a body piercing. Just not me. Cause I am really not a fan of pain.

We skip church every few months. Our daughter doesn't go to Sunday school class very often. I sometimes even wear flip flops to church. (Don't freak out...they are my 'fancy' flip flops!)

Yeah, I'm having a bit of fun with all of this but it all seriousness...these are things I've read online that some say make me a HORRIBLE Christian, if I am even a Christian at all. Can I tell you something? Reading those things honestly doesn't inspire me to try harder to meet the standard...they inspire me to give up trying at all! Why do we continually place so many hardships onto those trying to follow God the best way they know how?

I truly hope I haven't offended you or made you feel silly if you feel strongly about any of the things I mentioned. If you hold tight to those beliefs, then good for you! I'm not in any way trying to talk you out of what you believe. Holding tight to your convictions is a good thing, and it isn't my intention to take that away from you.

What I'm trying to say here is that I'm sure that I'm doing a bunch of stuff that God isn't too impressed with most days. Things that add zero value or virtue to my life. I'm not anywhere even remotely close to doing this thing called Christianity right. Truth be told, most days I'm barely making it through this life in one piece, just trying desperately to hold onto God in the midst of one trial or another. If I'm missing the mark on the details, and I'm sure I am, I'm hoping beyond hope that He forgives me and understands.

If not, I have a LOT of explaining to do. :)

Harry Potter...yes or no?

2011-09-26T14:22:00.003-04:00

Question: What are your thoughts on the Harry Potter books?

I am just finishing up the first book in the series to see if I think it's appropriate for my almost 13 year old daughter, and frankly, I was surprised at how much I liked it. I didn't think the magic was any worse than any other fantasy book out there...but honestly I don't know if I trust my own judgment on this, because I tend to not be super-strict about this sort of thing. I keep thinking of how I watched Bewitched as a child (even though I was very sheltered from many other things such as secular music, ect) and I turned out just fine...

So, I'm just coming to you guys for your opinions and/or advice. Have you read the books? Have you let your kids read the books, and if so, at what ages? Why or why not?

Fitness update

2011-09-23T13:59:00.003-04:00

Just a quick update on the diet and weight loss side of things.

Nothing has changed.

How's that for a quick update? :)

Treadmill only twice this week, but they were both good workouts. If we don't go to the drive-in tonight I might get a workout in, if not I'll grab one tomorrow between football games. Diet is still both good and bad. Far too many carbs, I'll tell you that. I am starting to be more mindful of what I'm putting in my mouth again...but sadly there are times when I just don't care. My clothes still fit, so there's that, but they are admittedly getting a bit, um, snug. Now that jeans are back, I have no choice but to drop five to ten pounds so they aren't so tight that they hurt a bit when I sit down! :)

All in all, I think I'm heading in the right direction. Oh, I'm not back to the grind just yet but I am clawing my way back to the mindset, and sometimes that is half the battle!

Churches, past and present

2011-09-21T12:47:00.001-04:00

I want to take a mintute to just say that I really do love my current church. In the comments of previous posts I tried to clear this up a bit, because I think I implied at some point that I hate going to church, but that isn't really what I meant. My problems with American Christianity come mostly from personal experience in two past churches and a LOT of mainstream television/book preachers. My own church isn't perfect of course, but for the most part it is awesome and I am happy there.

When I was speaking of the American version of Christianity, or the church of 'me' as I sometimes say, what I meant was the theology you hear a lot these days: that God exists to serve us, to make us happy and make our lives easy. Even though no one really comes out and says it like this, it's pretty much taught that we pray to give God His marching orders and He does what we tell Him to do. You know, like a genie in a bottle, He is there to do our bidding. The message you hear often is that God wants us to be rich! God wants us all to have fancy cars and better jobs, and a nice McMansion on a hill...we never have to be sick, we never need to struggle, even the best parking spots will be ours...all we need to do us plug into God!

Can you hear the voice of a certain TV pastor saying all of these things? Not naming names...but maybe you know who I'm thinking of...

Sigh. I could go on and on about the various things taught and those who are teaching it. The TV pastors aren't even as bad as our old churches were, however. They taught if you pray the right prayers (over time even getting to the point of saying you don't actually ask God, you just remind Him of His promises and TELL Him to deliver on them...if you actually 'ask' then it shows a lack of faith), if you have the right amount of faith (because even the slightest doubt means no goodies for you!), if you are in the right church (which was theirs, of course), if you speak aloud the right scriptures over yourself and your life (very magical, almost incantation type stuff), if you worship with the right amount of volume and intensity...then God will HAVE TO bless you and give you this almost perfect life. You'll be the head and not the tail. Above and not beneath. The windows of heaven open with blessings ($$$) pouring down. All you had to do was figure out the right 'formula' for spiritual success and all this can be yours!

Ugh. There is so much more, but you get the idea, I think.

Even though I've been out of that mess for a couple of years now, I am frankly still so messed up by it all. I was so brainwashed that I still cringe when I say the word 'sick' out loud, for fear of bringing the curse of sickness onto myself. (Yes, they believe that. If you say "I have supernatural health" despite how you feel, you will be healthy. If you say "I feel a bit sick" then you'll be sick. How did I not see the witchcraft of it all?) The entire message of these churches is what God will DO for you and that if you struggle or have any hardships, well, then YOU did something wrong. (How did I miss the many verses that say we WILL have troubles?) A real Christian who has real faith should simply be rich, healthy, constantly full of joy and peace, and that was that.

Mind you, they even have scriptures to back their message up (mostly taken completely out of context, I now know) which really makes the Bible hard to read even after you stop believing the way they do! I still to this day find myself filtering my Bible reading through their theology and it is infuriating. Especially when I see that, in context, these verses sometimes mean the complete opposite of what I was taught! One day I'll blog about this specifically. You'd be shocked at how they twist and distort the Word of God.

Sigh. This is getting too long. Maybe I shouldn't try to say this all at once.

Basically what I want is a Christianity that focuses on not only seeking God Himself (and not just what He can do for me) but also on how I can best serve HIM. Helping others, placing their needs above my own, sacrificial living, not trying to have the most prosperous material life, but the most prosperous spiritual life. Not treating hardships as un-christian, but realizing they are actually a big part of actually being a Christian! Mindfully humbling myself instead of trying to exalt myself and my needs. Making prayer about a relationship instead of a laundry list of wants and commands.

This is probably something so obvious to you, because you are all already practicing this Christianity, but it something I am struggling to find, mostly due to all those years of false teaching and self-serving gospel. The biggest key is that I have to somehow find a balance. My default since leaving those churches has been to go to the far opposite extreme of what I was taught, which has resulted in a complete failure to have any faith in God to move at all on my behalf. I've been afraid of asking Him for anything, for fear of either 'using' God or being disappointed by Him not moving on my behalf at all.

You see, the theology of 'THY will be done' is something I was never really taught, so I'm having to find my way to it myself. Sovereignty is another message they stayed far away from, as it doesn't fit with the 'my faith and my words decide what God will do in my life' message. That's why when things don't go the way I think they should go...my spirituality suffers. I was taught that since God's word says we are healed, then by-golly if I 'speak' healing over my body GOD WILL HAVE TO HEAL IT. Unanswered prayers have no place in this theology.

Why can't I seem to wrap this up already? The biggest thing I wanted to say was that my current church is not the one messing me up. Sure, there are a couple of areas in which my beliefs differ from the beliefs of my church, but nothing major. They teach the Bible in context, the praise and worship is genuine and spirit-filled, the vision of the church very outward and missions based, they don't teach that God is going to give you a perfect strife-free life or that you simply need to 'speak' a truth into existence and then God is obligated to move on your behalf. They are helping me...but my deep distrust of all things religion just creeps up every now and then and I start to wonder if doing it on my own would be safer. I think with time and a lot more de-programing, I'll be just fine.

Okay, I'm stopping now. I still have more to say, but for goodness sakes this is long. Sorry to go on and on! I'm sure I didn't explain certain things right and I'm sure I'll end up having to clarify, but for now, this is it. Phew.

One more thing. I know that there's a good chance that some of you believe some of the things I scoff at or call false teaching in this post. Please know that I am very much on a journey here. I haven't even come close to figuring any of this out yet. I am probably wrong on way more things than I am right! Bear with me and please don't be offended. My intent is not to down-talk anyone's beliefs or talk anyone out of a certain theology. This is about MY journey and nothing else.

Monday Miscellaneous

2011-09-19T21:17:00.003-04:00

Saw this quote tonight and wow...I love it.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis

After reading some of his quotes, I'm thinking I'll be sharing some of them from time to time. He was a very wise man!

I'm doing a bit better, by the way. Church on Sunday helped a lot. The topic was worship...how sad that I've let that concept get so far away from me! I actually wrote a really long post Sunday night, but haven't finished it yet, so, whatever. Basically, I was saying that my church issues stem mostly from old churches, not my current one. There is a lot to it, so hopefully I'll go back and finish that post soon.

What else? Oh dear, was I a serious grouch today. PMS, unresolved issues, and homeschool stresses equaled a very growl-y mama bear today. I so hate that! I try to make up for it later with lots of love and fun and pink cupcakes...but still. Mean mama days stink.

Oh, and it isn't even October and I'm already getting winter hands! Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Like, they are so dry my ring won't sit still. It goes round and round and upside down. What? You have no idea what I'm talking about? No really, am I the only one? Sigh. Time to lotion up every five minutes. (It isn't even October!!)

Okay, so that's all for now. Got dishes to do and cupcakes to eat. :)

Trying

2011-09-16T15:40:00.000-04:00

Spent a bit of time in prayer, just asking for God to grab me and hold on tight. Show me. Teach me. Help me. But most of all, hold me.

Read an online devotional that was so spot on, it's scary. Helped. A little.

Yesterday brought a panic attack for unrelated issues. Still feeling off today. How I wish this part of me would just get better. I hate who it makes me. I hate the thoughts that aren't mine. I hate feeling that dark.

Thought: I'm not sure anymore that I can be a Christian AND go to church. Weird, but I'm contemplating it nonetheless. So much of modern day American Christianity seems very wrong to me, and the farther I get from the mindset that surrounds it, the closer to God I sometimes feel.

Avoiding another outing with my family tonight. Feeling very alone.

One step forward...a million steps back

2011-09-15T10:43:00.005-04:00

Sigh. Warning to you all: this is an ugly, possibly even sacrilegious post. I'm trying to edit myself a bit, but even the edited version is pretty bad. Proceed at your own risk.

I'm glad I waited until today to write this, because frankly I was so upset last night I'd probably have posted gibberish and possibly even some words that would make you want to avert your eyes. However, waiting means that while my thoughts are (a bit) clearer, they've also been numbed and I'm not sure I'll be able to even post what's really on my mind. It feels like my thoughts are surrounded by a thick layer of cotton (thank you self-defense mechanism) and now I'm barely able to latch onto them to get them into words articulately.

Nothing major is wrong in my life, no worries there. Well, that's not exactly true, but compared to so many people, I'm doing just fine. No, the problem is with a few of the blogs I've read regularly for ages, tragedies I don't understand, and unanswered prayers. The one step forward a million steps back? That's me, spiritually speaking. I do NOT get God, and I'm lost. Simply lost.

It has been brewing in me for quite awhile, but exploded last night when I read of the loss of the12 year old son of a blogger I have read for ages. Always, death hurts worse when it's sudden and completely unexpected, and couple that with the fact that he was my daughters age and, well, I lose it totally. Very close to home, know what I mean? Last night when I read of the tragedy I literally sobbed off and on for hours and raged against God. I was devastated. Not because I knew him, I didn't. Never met his blogger mom either. No, I was devastated because I know that the family is Christian, in actions and not just words. I know they've probably prayed multitudes of times for their son's safety and protection. Yet, he died anyway. Drowned.

Why? Why were their prayers discarded, unanswered? Oh, I know the right words to say. God's plan. Sovereignty. Bigger picture. But still, it begs the question: why do we pray at all then?

What about the promises of answered prayer in the Bible? If God already has a set plan, what's the use asking Him for anything? Either it's in the plan or it isn't. We don't get a say, apparently.

And how do I ask God to heal a cold or help me make a decision, when I know He's letting little Ashley (another blog) suffer, despite the prayers of thousands? Other blogs I read: Emerson, Sara, Heather, Jonah, to name just a few...so many prayers being prayed for all of them, yet still so much suffering, unbelievable pain, and death. I know each of these people are being prayed over diligently by hundreds, if not thousands, yet they continue to suffer greatly...how do I find the faith within myself that somehow God is going to find ME worthy of answered prayer? How do I trust Him to save me from my afflictions, when He obviously isn't doing that for them?

Please understand, I know how this sounds and I know all the stock answers, but I just don't care right now, I just don't. I don't see God answering prayers, I just see Him letting everyone down. And you know what? If that's who He is, a God who is sovereign who has a plan for us that contains both good and bad, and that He is going to let that plan play out regardless of our pleading and petitions, that is fine. I can get my head around that. BUT. Don't you tell me that He answers prayers of faith and will change His plan accordingly. Because my eyes are telling me differently.

I am angry. SO very angry. So angry in fact that I just deleted a few paragraphs that would probably send any Christians reading this away from my blog forever. I'm just struggling here. I have always struggled with the bigger questions, even as a child, and apparently I always will. Because I'm always questioning, I've never found much faith within myself, to be honest, and I suppose that's why I'm so easily shaken when others aren't. I have also always had an unusually high level of empathy for other people and their situations, and some time ago I realized that's probably a character trait given to me by God, ironically. In situations like this, it almost destroys me. I can hardly breathe.

I can't pray like regular people. Oh, I talked to God last night, if that's what you want to call it. (I yelled at Him for the longest time. Thank goodness I was home alone!) But regular, everyday prayer is so difficult for me. I. DO. NOT. TRUST. GOD. There, I said it. I don't trust Him! How do I pray to Him?

Sorry to put all this yuck out there on you. I really am. I am just so disillusioned, so angry, so hurt. I want to be like other people who trust God through all things, but I am just not. I want to believe He hears and answers prayer, but I just don't right now. And frankly, I'm not sure what to do about any of it. Please know that I don't expect answers from you, I wouldn't put that responsibility onto anyone. Just trying to work through some bone-deep issues here, and it might get ugly. Please, look away if you want to. I wish I could.

Well hello there!

2011-09-12T12:25:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am, in fact, alive! I have to admit, I'm not sure if I will continue blogging at this point, especially given the fact that I haven't really missed it after all these months of slacking. However, I decided to give it a go today and see if I end up jumping back in with both feet. If I don't, I promise I'll just let the blog die already. :)

So, what have I been up to the past few months? A whole lot of nothing, honestly! My daughter is turning 13 this month and frankly, her busy schedule has sidelined everything else around here. All summer I was basically her driver, taking her from one activity to the next, but the truth is that I was fine with that. I'm happy that she has so much to keep her busy and it was essentially a quiet, peaceful summer for me.

Then September hit and yikes, we are BOTH super-duper-crazy busy! Besides doing school for 5-6 hours a day we also have multiple church activities every week and multiple volleyball activities every week. We actually had to drop two of her regular school year activities (a homeschool art class and baton) to have a bit of breathing room, but they haven't really been missed so far. (Art was an easy drop since her regular class moved to the other side of town...thank goodness because otherwise we'd have kept it!)

On to my weight and fitness updates...

My weight is holding at 130 right now and that's where it was for most of the summer. That is up 7 pounds from my goal weight, but I'm not super upset about it. Most of my clothes still fit, although digging out my jeans for the sporadic colder temps was a rude awakening! Some of them are a bit snug, to be honest. Wearable, but snug. Here's the thing: I have not been watching my diet even slightly, and that is a problem that most certainly needs to be adjusted! My workouts have been okay over the summer (which is probably why I didn't gain 10 more pounds with all the junk I've been eating!) but the last week or two since we've started back to school they've been non-existent. Time to get back to work!

I'd say the biggest issue with me lately though has been my walk with God, or the lack thereof. I'm a mess spiritually, always have been really, but I've found myself very, very far from God lately. Just ignoring Him mostly, not doing Bible time or prayer time at all, except to give Him a piece of my mind occasionally. :) I'm determined to get back where I need to be, or at least closer to where I need to be. Hubby and I joined a small group at church and I'm also starting a ladies Bible study again this Wednesday (I think) and hopefully they'll both get me back on track. More on this later!

So, that's just an update on me. We'll see if this will be a 'back to blogging' post or end up a 'well, I'm over the blog, see ya' post with time. I'd love to hear updates on any blog friends who still read here (hello? still with me?) in the comments, if you're so inclined!

Knocked down

2011-06-16T10:58:00.002-04:00

I've had a horrible headache since Monday afternoon. It has knocked me on my butt and I've gotta tell you, it has completely and totally thrown me into a deep, dark, down cycle. Hard. If anyone would be willing...could you say a little prayer for me? Thank you so much.

Lifestyle choices

2011-06-05T10:59:00.002-04:00

So yesterday was a full-on diet disaster. Allow me to walk you through it one bad decision at a time...

I started the day with donut-holes, had Taco Bell with a big cup of Pepsi for lunch, and then after a reasonable dinner (BBQ chicken, corn on the cob, salad) we went out for ice cream. Oh, and no I didn't get a small vanilla that would have been the moderate choice...instead I split a Reese cup blizzard thingy with the hubby. I can't begin to imagine the calories in that!

There was also the Cheese-its and Teddy Grahams I munched on in bed later. WHY??? I wasn't even a bit hungry.

Yikes. That's a lot of bad choices for one day!

Partially it's lifestyle stuff that has creeped in and become part of what I do, without thinking. We like to hit garage sales on summer Saturdays and we always grab a box of Timbits for breakfast. (Those are donut-holes from a coffee place called Tim Hortons...if you don't have them where you live, consider yourself lucky to be spared the temptation!) That is just a BAD lifestyle habit. The Taco Bell? Cheap and filling. For less than eight bucks my whole family gets fed and it's something we all enjoy. Eating cheap on the go is a necessary lifestyle adjustment to spare our tight budget, but I could choose a fresco style taco with a water on the side very easily. Just as cheap, but far fewer calories.

As for the ice cream, I've been much better lately about grabbing a McDonalds cone (only 150 cals) when I get the craving...but last night friends invited us to join them at a different ice cream place and so off we went. I wasn't even craving it, to be honest! (And yes, I could have, and SHOULD have, just talked and not ordered any, but I just felt awkward about it. Terribly lame.)

I have a lot of excuses, don't I? Bad ones, all around. There WAS a time when I made the hard decisions and stuck to my guns and lost weight every week. Obviously I CAN do it, but I'm choosing not to. It IS in my control. Each time I'm allowing my life to dictate my bad choices, I'm deliberately giving up control. WHY do I keep doing this??

The house has good food in it, as I finally went to the grocery Friday afternoon. I know from my past weight loss efforts that I can still eat out if I carefully choose what I can order. I am relatively healthy and able-bodied. I have NO real excuses, if I'm honest with you and with myself. Each bite of food that enters my mouth has to have my permission, and if I continue gaining weight, well, it is frankly on purpose. Oh, I don't want to gain weight, but not one pound goes onto my frame without my participation.

I have always been my worst enemy.

In so many ways.

So. I can decide to lose, or I can decide to gain. But make NO mistake, I decide.

Monthly weigh in

2011-06-01T10:31:00.002-04:00

Weight this morning: 128

So, I decided to go back to weekly (Saturday) weigh-ins instead of monthly ones until I hit goal weight again. Seems silly to post a 'maintenance' weight every month when I am no longer maintaining! :)

I'm doing a bit better...starting to believe that I can do it. I bought a couple of good snack options (almonds, baby carrots) but I still haven't completely re-stocked the house with groceries for various reasons (weather too hot, hubs had grocery money, just not feeling it, ect) but I plan on doing it tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm glad to see I'm already headed in the right direction compared to where I was a few days ago (130) and I plan on getting where I need to get.

I'm trying to remind myself that it took me a pretty long time (almost 3 months!) to lose the last ten pounds the first go-around, so I need to stop expecting to lose 10 pounds in a week or two this time around. I've been feeling so much pressure to get back to goal weight each month for my blog weigh-in and frankly letting it derail me each time, so hopefully taking it weekly again and going for small losses, I'll mentally be back in the game.

Enjoying life in the wrong ways

2011-05-29T18:43:00.004-04:00

I've been focusing more lately on making a deliberate effort to enjoy my life, mostly due to the fact that my very young step-sister-in-law is dying. She's not just dying, but she's dying a slow, agonizing, torturous death. She's spent the past year inside, away from the world, not able to eat or do much of anything at all. She has three daughters and is only one year older than I am.

So needless to say, it's been on my mind a lot lately. Not only her death, but on my life, and the fact that there are times when I don't really even try to enjoy it. Overall, this is a good thing to reflect on, mainly because it's caused me to step out lately and do things that I may not have without being purposely mindful of it...but it occurred to me today that it is also effecting me in bad ways.

Namely, my eating.

I have been more of the mindset lately to ENJOY my food, relax about what I eat, to just be in the moment...and as a result I am still gaining. I did a peek weigh-in this morning and I am at 130 again. Let me tell you, that just sucks. After maintaining for a year and a half, I am now officially completely off the rails! There is a part of me that feels completely capable of getting back into the groove and dropping ten pounds in no time, but there is also a part of me that just wants to stop thinking about it and enjoy my life (and food) for what it is.

Oh, I know. I could eat healthy and still enjoy life, right? I suppose so, but if I'm being totally honest...it feels like no. I'm serious! To ME (and me alone) enjoying my food means not worrying about what it is, how many calories, if it's too fatty or too salty, it's just enjoying the tastes and textures and indulging whenever I please. Cake, ice cream, chips, pizza, pasta, ooey-gooey mac and cheese...well, you know.

Yes, this is an extremely immature, childish way of looking at it. I am aware. I am also aware I could just make up my mind to enjoy these things in moderation, as I've done for the past two years. Yep. I could do it. And I should. But if I'm honest? I just DO. NOT. WANT. TO.

There is a lot more to me gaining weight than this enjoying food thing, by the way. I am in a bit of a down cycle and that makes me eat more, to be sure. I've also been feeling really yucky physically lately and that always drives me to eat (a weird, psychological quirk of mine) but this enjoying life thing is just what was on my mind today. Trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, even when it comes to my eating, and how it is really biting me on my (ever-expanding) butt.

My plan? Well, for one I need to reign in this child in me who is demanding cake and chips 24/7, to start! I am finally going to the grocery store tomorrow to re-stock on good stuff, and that is key. I'm hoping to force my lazy butt onto the treadmill most days next week, even if it's only for a wimpy walk. Up my water. Try to be more active during the day.

(Side note: I'm totally sucked into the Casey Anthony trial. It's streamed live online and it sucks me in every single day! Doesn't do much to encourage daytime activity, let me tell you!)

Sorry that I'm sucking so badly lately and my posts are pathetic, weak, and whiny. I want to be as honest as possible with you all, and it's just not always pretty, know what I mean? Hope you're all enjoying the holiday weekend! :)

On my mind

2011-05-25T12:35:00.003-04:00

Just a couple of things on my mind today:

*Being a parent is HARD and getting harder with each passing year. Trying to balance consequences for behavior with my daughter's happiness is a never-ending internal battle for me! I was just so unhappy as a child, and because of that I tend to put too much emphasis on her happiness above all else. Now that she is getting older, I'm realizing that she needs discipline now more than ever, and quite frankly it stinks. How I miss the younger years, when everything was so much simpler!

*The upward trend of my weight continues. I can NOT seem to find my groove again no matter how much I determine to do so. I so need to restock the house with good choices and purge out the bad ones...and find a way to get rid of my constantly ravenous appetite!

*Today I was once again reminded that life, even with God in control, is always going to be a mixture of joy and pain. Always. Pain is not ever going to be out of the picture, and running from it, trying to avoid it, is not an option. God will walk me through the pain but He will not be a magical protection from it, no matter what any fancy tv preacher tries to pass off as truth.

Enough for now...more later. Hoping you're all safe from the storms that are already firing up across the country once again. They have to stop eventually, right??

Checking in

2011-05-19T16:47:00.002-04:00

I have been trying to blog, really I have. I have a ton of drafts that haven't made the cut for various reasons, mostly because I'm afraid of sharing too much of my darkness here. Oh, I know I've shared a bit in the past, but I'm just feeling weird about it these days, for whatever reason.

Bullet points on me lately:

*Lonely. Sometimes it sucks not having any friends. At least, no friends within the 'Hey, let's go get a coffee' range.

*Hormonal. For more days per month than not. Literally, I get maybe a week's relief each month, and this month has been a particularly bad one.

*Undisciplined. Not exercising enough. Eating far too much. Not doing my Bible studies. Not staying on top of laundry. Blah, blah, blah.

*Stressed. About my daughter and her schooling future, mostly. We start 8th grade next year, and I'm at the point where I feel incapable of teaching her. Our school district is NOT acceptable. Looking into options is scary, because we have no clear feeling on which way to go from here. I spend WAY too much time worrying about this lately.

I could go on, but that's enough for now. I have so much I wish I could say (hence the many unpublished blog posts I've written!) but maybe it's all for another time. Hopefully the sun will come out soon (it has been raining almost non-stop here for the past two months...no kidding) and once that happens perhaps I'll bounce back!

I truly hope you are all doing well and having a wonderful spring...

Moving along...

2011-05-04T12:59:00.003-04:00

So, I have kinda, sorta, in a way, partially pulled it together. A bit. :)

That sounds super wimpy, but it's all I've got right now so I'm hanging on with both hands to the little accomplishments. My biggest struggle these days seems to be portion control, and I'm still having a hard time with that. Last night I made chicken enchiladas for dinner, which sounds diet-bad but I make them relatively low-cal. I had a nice salad on the side and a reasonable portion of mexican rice. All in all, not too shabby...until I caved and had a second enchilada. And then half of a third. And a ton of chips and salsa.

SIGH.

But, I didn't eat anything after dinner, so there's a small victory. One thing I've decided is to give up jelly beans for the entire month of May. (Side note: I have become seriously addicted to Jelly Belly beans. Like, going to Anderson's to get a big bag of bulk Jelly Belly's at least once a week for the past few weeks, and then eating them all within 24 hours. It's a sad but delicious addiction that is NOT helping.)

So my husband thinks he's temporarily fixed the treadmill...at least good enough for me to use it without using the incline feature that I've been loving lately...so later today I'm going to do a nice run/walk. Just the thought of working out again gives me hope that I'll be able to jump back where I need to be soon. My goal for May is the same as it was for April, getting back under the magic number of 125 again...and then hopefully this summer I'll be able to finally reach my ultimate goal of 120, but we'll see. One thing at a time, Missy. One thing at a time. :)

Side note number two: getting back in the groove is so much harder than just living in the groove. Why can't I just stop being so stubborn and insisting on eating junk like a spoiled child? And why oh why must bad food taste sooooo good? WHY CAN'T BROCCOLI TASTE LIKE ICE CREAM?!?! We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make veggies chocolate flavored? ;-)

Weigh in day

2011-05-02T09:44:00.002-04:00

128.2
Need I even say more?
Now you know why I have been avoiding the blog.
My treadmill is broken again and it will NOT stop raining. (Not making excuses...the gain is from eating junk, trust me. Just venting.)
UGH. I must get it together again, or I am in big trouble.

The week so far

2011-04-07T11:06:00.003-04:00

It has been a very odd week around here, let me tell you. Spring break from school (which we are fully embracing, for once) and an oral surgery for my daughter have completely disrupted our regular schedule. It is both nice and oddly disconcerting, but I am trying desperately to just go with the flow.

Monday was a complete nothing day. The weather was terribly gray and rainy, so we had us a movie marathon day! I managed to do a few loads of laundry in between dvds, and that was that. :)

Tuesday was a bit nicer, although it still hasn't warmed up to spring level temperatures quite yet, so we decided to get out of the house. My daughter went to her weekly art class and then we decided to stock up on books and movies at the library for the inevitable days on the sofa that Wednesdays surgery would bring. We also spent some time at Panera for coffee and cocoa (and maybe a brownie to share), then we were off to TJ Maxx for Easter dress shopping. We did find one but after seeing it on her that evening with shoes, her daddy and I think it might just be on the short side. (She is all legs, that daughter of mine, and it makes most dresses seem so short!)

Wednesday morning was the surgery, which we decided earlier in the week should be called a 'procedure' because it is much less intimidating. Our princess has had braces for the past year and a half, and this surgery is part of that whole process, exposing and attaching chains to some teeth that need pulled forward. They didn't have to completely knock her out (although she'd have much preferred that, honestly!) but it was apparently quite the ordeal, with them almost having to rip apart the entire roof of her mouth! In the end, they sent her home with a mouthful of gauze and a prescription for Vicadin.

Poor baby was a mess for a few hours, but God blessed her with very little pain as the day progressed. We ended up only giving her Tylenol (I didn't want to drug my 12 year old on narcotics unless absolutely necessary!) and she did just fine. So far this morning, she hasn't even needed the Tylenol at all! She is a trooper, that's for sure. She's even eating lots of soft foods: mashed up peas, mashed up mac and cheese, yogurt, ice cream, scrambled eggs, and oatmeal. It does this mama's heart good to see her with a good appetite so soon!

And that brings us to today. So far, we are watching Anne of Green Gables (the kiddo just finished the book a couple of weeks ago and she loved it, just like her mama!) and lounging around in our pajamas. I will most likely get some housework accomplished at some point today, I am sure, but for now I am just taking it easy. I'm hoping that the kiddo is up for more by tomorrow, it is her spring break after all!

As for diet/exercising, well, lets avoid that subject, shall we? I'll just say that this week has been super stressful for this anxiety-prone mama (haha, understatement of the year!) and my eating has certainly reflected that, without a doubt! :)

At any rate, I hope that you are all having a wonderful week and at least some of you enjoying some wonderful spring weather!

Monthly weigh in

2011-04-01T09:31:00.002-04:00

Weight this morning: 125.2

Okay, so the damage isn't quite as bad as I thought, but I still need to get back to healthier eating again. I've already started, doing pretty well for the past three days or so, and hopefully I can keep it up. There is just no excuse for eating all the junk that I've been letting myself eat ALL THE TIME. I can (and should) do better.

So there you have it. Happy April everyone! Maybe now spring will finally decide to show itself? :)

Going the wrong way

2011-03-29T15:41:00.004-04:00

There are times when I don't blog for a few days simply because it doesn't occur to me. There are also times when I'm struggling with a particularly hard personal struggle or a down cycle in my depression and I don't feel 'up' to blogging, so it goes quiet over here for awhile. Sometimes, I just have nothing to say at all, which is just so hard to believe, what with my ever-so-exciting life and all, so I don't blog.

Then there are times (like now, for instance) when basically I'm hiding from you all a bit. See, whether you've accepted the job or not, you are sort of my accountability partners, the ones who cheered me on to losing the weight, and celebrated the year plus that I've keep it off. The ones who remind me why I'm doing it, who give me helpful hints and pats on the back. The ones who I didn't want to know that I am NOT doing a good job of keeping that weight off now. At all.

I am not even going to try and sugar coat it for you. I am most definitely failing right now. My weight is up, probably back over 130 right now, but really I have no idea, because I am completely avoiding the scale. Me, the super obsessive weighing-in-er, not curious to peek and know how bad it is. Oh, I already know it's bad...and the sad thing is, I don't really know if I'm ready to start tackling it again.

Here is the thing: I know what to do. It isn't even really that hard to do it. I'm just choosing not to do it. WHY?!? Why am I sabotaging this after all these months? Almost exactly two years ago (April 3rd) I started this journey and I worked so hard, I became a person I didn't even think I could be, and I eventually accomplished my goal. In my life, to me, this was huge. What has happened to change that?

I'm eating whatever I want, whenever I want, like a spoiled child. Maybe I'm tired of 'missing out' or denying myself. I don't know. Food just tastes good and I want it. Honestly, it doesn't really have to be deep...I like food, I love to eat! I like ice cream and chips and big plates of comfort food. I want pizza and Chinese food and huge bowls of pasta salad. I don't want fruit, veggies, eggs, and yogurt anymore. I want salty, sweet, ooey-gooey junkiness.

My workouts are still happening for the most part, except that I've missed the last couple of days due to some serious PMS...which could also be effecting the rest of this, to be honest, but then again I made it through almost two years of PMS without gaining more than a pound or two and only for a few days, so that's just not a good enough excuse. There IS no excuse.

I AM GAINING THE WEIGHT BACK. There. I had to say it. I had to acknowledge it, confess it, something. I am going in the wrong direction and have been for a couple of months now. It is happening and it will continue to happen unless I can get a grip and control myself.

In a few days it will be weigh-in day and we will know how bad the damage is. Hopefully, by then I will be ready to start the hard work to get back to my goal weight. I have to be ready, because retreat can't be an option. I must keep trying, because in the end, I believe it is worth it.

Unexpected blessings

2011-03-24T10:35:00.006-04:00

I love to read. It is something I sometimes forget, going through seasons where I don't pick up a book for weeks, only to find a great book and then proceed to go from one book to another for weeks on end. One of the worst things about being on an extremely tight budget is that I can't just go out and buy books. Even though most only cost between $10 to $25, that would take away from a grocery budget that I'm already stressed out over, know what I mean?

I actually have an (ever-growing) list of around 40 books right now that I want to read. The first thing I do is check the library, and sometimes I do get lucky and they have what I want, but they aren't too keen on stocking a ton of Christian books so most of the time I strike out with those. I've actually started reading a bunch of Amish-set fiction books, because oddly they have a huge selection of those...

Anyway, there are a couple of different books that are very popular online right now and oh, how I wanted them but I knew I must be patient and wait until I had a bit of extra money to buy them. Sigh. I would read blog post after blog post of people saying how wonderful and life-changing these books are...and each time I would have to remind myself that I would read them too, in time. There, of course, were plenty of giveaways, and trust me when I say I entered every single one I found! Never did I win anything though...

Until last week! Yes, I won a blog giveaway for one of the exact books (A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp) I was waiting for! I know it sounds crazy weird, but it felt like a kiss on the cheek from God. :) Thank you so much to an old blog friend, Katie, who held the giveaway over at her blog, Boasting in my Weakness.

But guess what? It doesn't stop there! My friend Shauna had emailed me recently about a great book on spirituality and dieting she was reading called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst...and little did she know, that was one of the books on my list! She said that I could borrow it when she was done and I was just so tickled that she would do that for me, especially since we don't even live in the same state!

Then yesterday, the very same day I got the other book from Katie, I got it a package in the mail from Shauna and in it sat the book! I didn't even know she was sending it yet, I thought it would be some day in the distant future or whatever. What a blessing! I was just beside myself, two of the books I was sooo wanting to read and forcing myself to be patient for, all of a sudden there I was holding them both in my hands. Just really, really cool.

So Katie and Shauna, I just wanted to take a second to tell you that God used you both in a big way to show me that He truly does care about the small stuff in my life. If I can learn to wait on Him and do things His way, He simply has it covered. I really needed to see a glimpse of Him at work, and I truly believe that this week I did. Amazing. :)

Recieving grace

2011-03-23T10:16:00.003-04:00

There are a few blogs that I read that I tend to let stack up in my google reader, sometimes as many as 45-50 deep. It isn't because they are the ones I don't care about, quite the opposite actually. They are the ones that I need to slow down and really focus on...and I often put them off because I never feel like I'm in the right state of mind to do that these days.

One of them is Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience.

If you don't read her blog, please, trust me, start. I won't even try to describe it, other than to say I believe God has truly given her a gift. So anyway, I finally start tackling some old blog posts of hers in my reader and one had a short, simple line tucked inside that I can't seem to get out of my head. She said, "For the life of me? I can’t get it all right."

And immediately tears filled my eyes, because yes...that is exactly it. For the life of me I can't get it all right. Truthfully, it is often the last thought that runs through my head at night. 'Why can't I ever get it right? Just for one day? Why am I so weak? What is wrong with me?'

And then I read that Ann, who is easily one of the online women I look 'up' to the most, sometimes feels the same way...and I am slightly comforted, slightly encouraged.

What does Ann say later in her post about this condition? She says: "The art of celebrating life isn’t about getting it right — but about receiving Grace."

Grace. I once read a really good book about it (What's so amazing about grace?) and it was such a life-changing thing. For about a week. Ugh. I have a terrible tendency to quickly lose any revelation I receive! I've actually been meaning to re-read the book, but there are like five more I'm already reading right now that I can't seem to finish...

Anyway, when I think of grace I tend to think of it in terms of me extending grace to others, because it is an area that I struggle with constantly. (Side note: Is there an area in which I don't struggle?!? See what I mean about not getting anything right?) The thought of my need for grace from God is much harder for me, because I know beyond any doubt that I do NOT deserve it. I don't deserve His forgiveness because I continually commit the same sins over and over again. I don't deserve His mercy because I so rarely grant mercy to others. I don't deserve His grace because I am a never-ending, never-changing mess. And on and on it goes.

Oh for goodness sakes, I don't even know what my point is! I guess it is just that every once in a while I get a momentary glimpse of the fact that we're all our own special kind of mess. Some just do a better job hiding their mess, I suppose. I think that most people have a much smaller mess to hide, lucky for them, and then there is me, who is basically a head-to-toe, can't-hide-it-even-if-I-wanted-to kind of mess. My only hope, your only hope, is God. Now, if only I could let that revelation move me toward Him, inspire me to seek Him, woo me to love Him. Please Lord, let me get at least this right.

Okay, okay! :)

2011-03-18T18:00:00.003-04:00

So it has been brought to my attention that I need to get a new post up (ahem, Shauna) and yes, it is true, I do. Sorry for the abrupt blog-stoppage! I have been struggling, truth be told. I have been SO HUNGRY! Like, all the time. I'm not talking about just mentally wanting to just munch on something out of boredom or emotional stuff, no, this is an actual deep HUNGER. I just always feel famished, even right after a good meal. I have no idea where it is coming from, but wow have I been bad.

Yesterday alone could have made me gain a couple of pounds. Really! Lets see, I had waffles with syrup for breakfast (we were out of milk for cereal), a pretty decent lunch, and then it went really off the rails. It was the first beautiful day in ages, sunny and around 68 degrees. I talked Hubs into taking a half day off of work to enjoy the weather with us. Of course, we stopped at the newly-opened ice cream stand down the road. I started out good and didn't order anything...and then Hubs offered a taste of his vanilla ice cream mixed with Reese's cups. OH MY WORD. Utterly delicious. I ate at least half of it for him! (How nice of me to help HIM lose weight, right? LoL)

Then we cooked out for dinner and simply put, I made a huge pig of myself. Everything was so good! Sigh. I even went back for seconds of the mac and cheese. If I'm being really honest, I'd have had thirds too, if there were any left! :)

So yeah. Not good around here when it comes to eating. Working out? Yep. I'm being very faithful with workouts, actually. But I'm still not losing weight because all of the stinking food I'm eating is killing me on the scale!

On a more personal note, I've also been struggling with the disaster in Japan. Crying about it a lot. My heart is just SO broken for the people there! And of course, I start wrestling with God over the whole thing immediately...but I'm actually starting to feel peace about everything, in a way. My Bible study has been EXCELLENT during this time of my life (Beth Moore, Breaking Free) and although I'm down to the last two weeks, I've already decided to start it all over when I'm done. There has just been some seriously life-changing stuff in there that I'm trying to make sure sticks with me. Maybe I'll blog some of it the second time around.

So anyway, that's what has been keeping me away. Shoveling massive amounts of food down my throat while grieving for thousands of strangers, I'm just a hoot, right? Well, I'm also watching a ton of college basketball. Gotta do something while I'm shoving food in my face. ;-)

Jelly beans are awesome. Who knew?

2011-03-07T14:23:00.003-05:00

Notes from my weekend:

1) I am quite possibly addicted to Jelly Belly jelly beans. Seriously. My daughter bought some on Saturday and they are a HUGE hit around my house. The peach flavored ones are close to perfection and you can NOT stop eating them once you start. The weird thing is that I never liked jelly beans in the past. The bad thing is, our local Andersons store sells them by the bulk and I could go get a giant bag of only peach ones and it's sounding sooooo good...

2) I have a cold, or at least the start of one, and I'm miserable. Body aches, headache, sore throat, general blah-ness. I felt super yucky Saturday but then pretty decent yesterday and I thought it had passed already...only to wake up and feel like a truck hit me today. Ugh.

3) After having an AWESOME diet/exercise week all last week, it came crashing down this weekend. Hard. Between the Doritos my stinking hubby brought home (I pretty much ate an entire bag all by myself, no exaggeration) and the many, many jelly beans, not to mention the pizza, cheesy bread, and banana nut muffins, I'm pretty sure I undid all the good I did last week. I know that it's partially because I am feeling so gross that I'm so easily giving into cravings and munchies, but still so frustrating!

So anyway, I'm trying to regain my focus today, but honestly, not having much luck since I feel so sickly...but hey, spring is a-comin' and I've got to get ready! Luckily, I'm finally out of all the good Jelly Bellys. :)

Life is good

2011-03-03T20:11:00.003-05:00

You know what? I want to apologize for my pitiful post earlier today. I just spent an hour or so reading a blog of a woman around my age who is literally in the midst of dying of cancer. She's a wife. She's a mother. And she's suffering and dying.

Me? I'm feeling pretty pathetic for my woe-is-me-ness. I kinda live in that state of mind far too often and for goodness sake, I need to snap out of it. No, my life is not perfect, far from it. Yes, I have problems and struggles and right now I'm having a hard time having hope that things will change for the better.

But you know what? I'm alive, I'm well, and let's face it...it could be much, much worse. I'm sorry for losing sight of that fact once again.

Feeling like a loser

2011-03-03T10:57:00.004-05:00

Is it just me, or does it seem like 99% of all the bloggers out there live really stinking perfect lives?

Great houses that are furnished impeccably, beautiful figures clothed in a gorgeous wardrobe, tons of friends and social activities, magical super-husbands that do everything just right, huge bank accounts that never run low, no real worries in life whatsoever, except for the relatively little ones they tell us about from time to time (under the guise of 'see...my life isn't so perfect after all!') things that frankly I wish we're MY only problems.

Is this a true sample of 'real' life out there, I wonder? Is my life truly the exception to the rule that most of America has their crap together, or is it just that the mainstream blogs are the ones that people flock to, simply because they DO seem to have it all together? I don't know...just thinking out loud, as usual. ;)

Monthly weigh in

2011-03-01T08:54:00.003-05:00

Weight this morning: 123.2

Confession: I barely ate yesterday, so that is probably not a completely accurate weight. Don't get me wrong, I have been doing much better watching my food, and I am still working out faithfully (even doubling the length of my workouts the last two times) so I'm confident that my weight is looking better, but perhaps not this good. This number could very well be the result of me having a truly horrible day yesterday and only eating one meal and one snack all day long. Just trying to keep it real...

Things I love right now...

2011-02-24T16:42:00.003-05:00

I love sitting here in a quiet house with nothing other than the sound of my dryer at work. It is such a comforting, homey sound to me. Oh, and speaking of laundry, I also love it when I spot Tide on sale and have a coupon, like I did earlier today. Tide is easily my favorite laundry detergent but it is usually just a bit too expensive for us.

I love that Winter is finally almost over, because we are set to get yet another snowstorm tonight and boy am I ready for Spring! These really big storms have been coming like once a week since right after Christmas! (That is probably an exaggeration, but there really have been a TON of them over the last two months!) The thing is, I'm actually a bit of a weather geek...going online and reading weather chat rooms and following the tracking of storms...but this is just enough now. Even my weather obsession is running out of steam, let us move on to Spring now. Pretty please. :)

I love that I have a fresh stack of library books to read over the snowed-in weekend ahead. I've decided to get over my library book germ fixation, because reading them online was just not the same. Perhaps I'll get an e-reader one day, but until then I will just suck it up! I just got home with four new books (and I still have one out from last week) and that just makes me smile. :)

I love Oreo's. Yes. I said Oreo's. As a matter of fact, they are here, in the house with me right now as I type, and I love it. You want to poke me in the eye now, don't you? What can I say? I have PMS and I was weak. So stinking weak. They are still unopened...for now. :)

I love that my daughter is finally reading Anne of Green Gables, after me bugging her to do it for a couple of years now. I think I might read it when she's done. I forget much of the story, but I remember that as a girl I so loved that book.

I love that I got a great deal on something I was waiting a long time to buy! I read two different recommendations online for a facial moisturizer and it sounded really great, but it costs like $7, which honestly isn't too bad for a moisturizer but would take a chunk of grocery money I'd rather spend on food! So anyway, the other day in the Parade magazine in the newspaper I saw a coupon for $2 off that exact brand...and then the very next day I found a Target coupon online for another $2 off! I ended up getting it for only three bucks...it made me so tickled! :)

Okay, so those are a few good things that I am choosing to think on today instead of just all the yuck that was ruining my morning. I hope you are all finding lots to be loving today, too!

Choices

2011-02-22T10:43:00.004-05:00

Well, I survived the long weekend, but barely. Ugh. Personal life issues abound right now, and it just puts everything else on the back burner. I'm so consumed with everything that is going on (not to mention the extreme anxiety that is accompanying it) that I do not care one iota about my weight. Just don't. If I'm up, I'm up. Whatever.

Have you been there?

The only thing that is remotely keeping me wanting to do this is the fact that it may very well be the ONLY thing in my life that I have any control over! If I'm fat, it's on ME. If I'm thin, it's up to ME. Nothing else in my life is that black and white, that concrete, and there is something amazing about that! So...I don't give up totally. For every bad food/exercise decision I'm making, there seems to be a corresponding good decision.

It's an odd combination of both giving up and not giving up at the same time.

You know what? Life can just be so hard. It really is that simple. I'm trying to give this all to God and learn to trust Him with it, but wow. SO HARD. But, I am aware of His presence throughout this ordeal from time to time, and I'm trying to focus on that. Just this morning in my Bible study I read this:

"Trusting God's sovereignty means trusting that if He has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily if the child will let Him."

Wow. Again, it is up to me. Will I choose to let God work through what I am going through? Will I choose to trust Him? Will I believe there is a bigger picture? Will I believe that He can work all things out for my good?

I want to...and I'm trying. But again this morning as I prayed the words came once again: Lord, please help my unbelief. At least for right now, I am choosing to give Him the benefit of the doubt, as silly as that sounds, and I'm hoping that with time, the trust and faith and belief will come more easily. He isn't giving up on me, so I'm trying very hard not to give up on Him.

Heavy post, sorry. ;-)

Derailed

2011-02-17T10:37:00.002-05:00

I was doing SO well this week. Honestly, I was firmly back into diet mode and feeling strong and determined. But then yesterday came, my birthday. Ugh.

Truly, I was having a horrible day, kinda not feeling well (I think I have a slight sinus infection) with lots of anxiety and an overall bad attitude...probably because I had a hefty dose of hormones thrown in the mix, but also because we're having a problem with our sewer line and have no extra money to fix it. My Mom called to wish me a happy birthday and I ended up sobbing to her for a good 10 minutes. Nice.

Then lunch time came around and Hubs was still home (working on the sewer line) and offered to buy me lunch. Instead of joyfully accepting his offer, I immediately had a panic attack. UGH. I couldn't decide what I wanted for lunch because then I would have to know what I wanted for dinner (don't ask) and what about my diet, I'm doing so well, oh no, what am I going to do...

Well. After about 5 minutes of that loveliness I finally just told him I'd pass on lunch out and just enjoy one of my microwave meals instead, which I did. Phew. (Honestly, I make the simplest things so hard!) Then, get this, I even did a workout later! On my birthday...a day when I'd usually say 'nah, take the day off' I actually decided to do one. That's big for me, folks. Good stuff.

So anyway, later on I take the kiddo to church (I skipped my Bible study to see Hubs for my bday, but honestly I wasn't in any shape to go anyway, I was still a bit of a hormonal, anxiety ridden mess) and I called to let Hubs know I'd like a pizza for dinner. And cheesy bread. Oh, and since I had no birthday cake, I'd also like some cinna-sticks. Please and thank you.

Here's the thing, at the time I put in the order to him, I fully intended to take it easy and only eat a bit of everything. A couple of slices of my veggie only pizza, a couple pieces of cheesy bread, and a couple of (really small) cinna-sticks. Not great, this I know, but not a complete diet disaster. I expected him around 7ish, so I didn't have my afternoon snack, which ended up being part of my undoing. The pizza for some reason took a really long time and he ended up not getting home till 8 and I was sooo freaking hungry by then!

I ate, and I ate, and I ate. A lot. I think I only had two slices of pizza (haha, it's a blur!) but I hit the cheesy bread and cinna-sticks HARD. And thus, my wonderful week of staying on track was ruined in about 30 minutes.

Okay, so I know that it isn't that big of a deal, why not have one cheat meal a week? And usually I'd say that I agree! However, I was saving that cheat meal until Saturday, when my Mom and sisters come up for my birthday and we're going to the Olive Garden for lunch and probably Panera for dessert. Oh well. Two cheat meals this week it is, I guess.

I'm just so determined to get back where I want to be by Spring. I am mad at myself for letting the weight creep back up again, doing all the things I know NOT to do, and I'm aware that if I don't take it seriously again, I'll end up gaining everything back. NOT an option. So, here I am trying to be honest with not only the good days, but the bad ones as well.

Oh, and on that note, guess what I just had for lunch as I was writing this post?? Leftovers from last night. Yep. Really now, what can I even say about that?

Feeling good

2011-02-15T11:29:00.004-05:00

Well, Monday was pretty successful overall. Unless you count the half Reese heart I ate, or the Dove heart I ate. And I don't, since it was Valentines day and chocolate has no calories on Valentines day. Duh. ;-)

I did stay within my calorie range (although, probably on the high end) and I also did a workout, so I'm feeling pretty good! Today my left calf is bugging me a bit, so not sure if I'll workout. I've already decided to wait until this evening to decide and to give it time to relax a bit. In the meantime, I've decided to start doing random squats throughout my day to try and lift my hiney up a bit. I have a flat butt and wide hips and I'm going to try and rearrange things down there! I've already done 20 this morning and if I remember, I'd like to do 30 more as the day progresses. C'mon, butt. LIFT! :)

I tried scanning some old pics for you guys yesterday, but my scanner pooped out after only 3 pictures loaded and they were just old wedding pictures that don't show much...but how about I post one anyway, in honor of the day after Valentines day? Here ya go!

How cute were we? I was begging him to be good when he went to take off the garter belt, but of course he has to be cute and stuck his whole head up there. I have a pic of that, too, but my stupid scanner isn't cooperating. Hopefully I will have more pictures to show soon.

Well, it's a busy day of laundry and running my kiddo all over creation so I'm off to get started. Have a great Tuesday! :)

Motivation

2011-02-14T13:07:00.003-05:00

You know what is a great motivator to get back to work losing weight? Looking at old pictures. It doesn't matter if they're old fat pictures or old thin pictures, they both make me want to do what I can to look good in pictures right now!

I have been looking through a bunch of old pics lately and wow. I was so thin, even when I thought I was so big! And oh how I wish there was also a way to bring the young back, too! Truly, the old saying is true...youth is wasted on the young. :)

As soon as I can figure out this scanner, I'll post some old pics for you all. In the meantime, a quick update: I'm on track with eating so far today, and mostly yesterday, too. Of course, this morning for Valentines Day Hubby gave me a stuffed animal holding a king sized package of heart-shaped Reese's cups...

Out of control

2011-02-12T14:32:00.005-05:00

For some reason, I am really, really struggling. I am not just eating too much, I am kinda full-on binging. I don't know why. It could be hormonal, as I am midway through my cycle and that's a bad time for me, or it could be due to not sleeping well most nights for a really long time. Maybe I'm in a bit of a down cycle, or maybe it's just the long, super-snowy winter that's driving me to eat. Who knows. All I do know is, I am constantly hungry and I'm simply not fighting it all that much.

Sigh. I so wish I was a super-inspiring blogger that people visit because they always leave with good feelings and a drive to meet their goals. Instead, I am falling further and further into the danger zone of slack and gluttony and gaining my weight back, and I hate it...but apparently not enough to get my crap together.

Honestly? There was a moment earlier today (as I ate my third blueberry muffin of the day, after I'd eaten like 6 donut holes) when I had the thought that I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and if I get fat, whatever. Do. Not. Care.

So, yeah, that moment has passed now and I DO care again, but I feel out of control and unsure of how to turn this around again. I just feel so unbelievably tired and I'm really hungry and it is so hard to fight those two feelings combined! I definitely need to sleep better, there's just no way around that. I may have to start taking some Nyquil or something to help things along.

The good news is that I've been faithfully working out 3 or 4 times a week for the past 3 weeks now, so at least I have a hope of my metabolism revving back up again. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder, could the return to workouts be contributing to this huge hunger I've been feeling? Perhaps. I just wish I would start feeling some residual energy from the workouts as well!

And no, I haven't weighed myself at all since the first of the month. I just don't want to know! Sorry I'm such a non-inspiration right now. There is really nothing else to say.

No one likes me...

2011-02-09T16:32:00.003-05:00

Can I be pathetic for a moment?

Tonight is my women's Bible study at church, and although I love the content, I totally dread going. Every single week, I have to pep-talk my way out the door...and honestly, even once I get there, I have to pep-talk my way inside of the church, down the hall, and through the door.

Why is this, you ask?

Because I have no friends there. None. And? No one really talks to me. It's weird, really. I sit there -- smile on my face -- and everyone acts like I'm not there. I say hello to my neighbor, she maybe says hi back but that's it. No conversation. Everyone chats up their own group of friends, and I am literally the only one alone and ignored.

Feeling so pathetic.

Seriously, what the heck? Why is it so stinking hard for me to make women friends? It has been this way for as long as I can remember, really. I have had a few good girlfriends in my life, even some really close best friends, but mostly I have always hung out with guys. Obviously, that all changed some 14 years ago when I met my husband and got married, and since then I have had very few girlfriends.

Here's the thing -- I am fun, people! Really, I am! I love to laugh, I am super-casual, I am kinda smart about a few things here and there, and I can even be clever from time to time...but for some odd reason, I can not seem to connect with women easily. Being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom does not help the cause, either. I generally have NOTHING to add to a casual conversation. Observe:

What did I do today? "Oh, three loads of laundry and three hours of excruciating 7th grade math, what about you?" See what I mean? YAWN city, baby.

Ah well, what can you do, right? I'll go tonight, smile a bunch, probably be ignored, but at least I can come home and hang out with my two best friends afterward. Hard to feel sorry for myself in the middle of a kiddo/hubby/mom 3-way hug. Betcha none of the other ladies at Bible study get one of those when they get home. :)

Getting in the way

2011-02-07T10:53:00.004-05:00

I have a million things running through my mind today, so I thought I'd come on here and try to get at least a couple of them out and see if I can focus my thoughts a bit.

I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. Getting to sleep isn't that hard, but staying asleep is a whole other thing altogether. I generally wake up to use the restroom 2-3 times a night (getting older stinks, does it not?) and lately when I wake up for those visits my mind will start worrying and fretting and before you know it, I'm fully awake and pretty much freaking out over one thing or another. Worrying about the future, usually, and stewing about the present things that are out of my control.

So yeah, I know I'm supposed to give this all to God, and I think I'm trying to do that...but I suppose if I was really doing it, I'd be sleeping better at night, right? I just dwell too much on me and my utter lack of ability to do most anything right. Or on my husband and all the ways I feel like he constantly lets me down. On what I can see right now and all the ways my life is an absolute mess. On what I'm used to see happen in my life...being disappointed, struggling, ultimately failing. Basically, I'm focused on everything but God stepping in and having everything under His control.

It is most definitely a frustrating season in my life. I have very little under my own control right now, unless you count laundry and housework, which is lame. My life, in many ways, is just not my own right now, as odd as that sounds. It is absolutely torturous for a control freak to live this way, let me tell you! My frustration manifests often, usually as outbursts of anger, I'm sad to say. I lash out because I feel like things should be and could be better, but I have no way of actually making things better. I am at the mercy of others, and they are human and let me down.

One of my facebook friends posted this today:

"The Lord is My Rock, My Fortress, and My Deliverer; My God...In Whom I will Trust" Face it! Find God in It! Follow Him, and He will give you a better tomorrow.

A simple verse that I've known for a very long time, yet this morning it really resonated with me. What she added to the end: face it, find God in it...well, that's good stuff. Again, simple, but isn't it sometimes the simple things that manage to allude us? Somehow, I forget to add God into the equation of both my now and my future. He can make things different than what I see and what I've always known. He can, with one word, deliver me. He is everywhere I'll ever go, He is everywhere I've ever been. The key is...will I allow Him to be my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer? Or will I continue to try and deal with today (and tomorrow) on my own, depending on me, my husband, my circumstances?

Will I finally learn how to get out of God's way??

So, that's just one thing on my mind today. Thank goodness I'm still a work in progress! :)

Feeling cruddy

2011-02-04T11:23:00.003-05:00

I'm a disaster lately, and frankly, it's getting on my nerves.

Now, I'm coming down with a cold/flu/sinus infection thing, and I'm miserable...therefore, I am eating and eating and eating. I only lost my appetite for like an hour or two last night, and then it came roaring back again. For whatever reason, I tend to eat MORE when I'm feeling ill, not less. Yesterday morning when I first started coming down with whatever this is, I got really fuzzy-headed and super-fatigued all of a sudden, and at first I thought at first my blood-sugar had dropped (it does that) so I started shoveling one food after another into my mouth for like two hours, trying to balance it out. Finally, I just couldn't eat anymore and realized that while it helped a little bit, I was still feeling pretty gross so I must be getting sick, not having blood sugar problems.

(Wish I had realized that BEFORE consuming probably more than a days worth of calories trying to feel better!)

I did force a workout yesterday but then I felt way worse afterward, so I'm thinking I won't push it again today. I do have to clean the house though, because my in-laws will be here tomorrow. I'm not going to do a complete deep-cleaning this time, but I do need to broom sweep and swiffer the hard floors, vacuum the rugs and carpets, and scrub the toilet. Blah, blah, and super-blah.

I'm officially starting to get worried about the weight I'm putting on. I am finally a bit more, um, regular again (ahem) and I also finished with my monthly...but I'm still eating too much and not dropping the numbers down like I'd hoped. Argh. However, I keep reminding myself that I am working out regularly again, and I suppose my metabolism will take a minute to rev back up. More than anything, I need to really crack down on the amount of junk food I allow into this house. Not just talk about it, actually stop buying it!

Hopefully this sickness will be short lived and I can start to wholeheartedly go after my goals once again. I will do this. There is no going back to where I used to be! Have a great weekend, all!

Monthly weigh-in

2011-02-01T10:22:00.002-05:00

Weight this morning: 126.

Yep, I'm up. I knew I would be and I'm not in the least bit worried. Why? Because I know this isn't really what I weigh. I am starting my monthly today, which always put me up a pound or two, and I am STILL having serious digestive problems (as in, NOT going) since last THURSDAY! (I have gone a tiny little bit, but not even remotely near normal for days now...ugh. I am so uncomfortable!) So, I'm thinking that I'd also be up a bit from that, right?

That isn't to say I'm not up from lack of diet control and exercise, don't get me wrong, I'm sure that's part of it, too. But I'm shaving at least a pound off (in my head, that is) due to the two problems listed above, which puts me (mentally) at 125, and that is still in my 'management' zone. Needless to say, I've still got work to do, especially since I want to try and ultimately get down to 120 as my regular normal weight. So, I obviously need to keep up with the work outs (did one yesterday, but cramps may hinder one today, we'll see if they improve!) and I also need to try and continue watching my food intake. I'm hoping by my March weigh-in, I'll see 123 again and then start working on the new goal weight by summer. Totally do-able, I think.

So there it is! I hate (HATE!) admitting to being up that much (it's actually +3 from my goal weight) but it is what it is. Next month will be better! :)

Getting over the 'ewwww!'

2011-01-31T13:09:00.005-05:00

The big news this week is that we have a monster storm heading our way! I have mixed feelings about it. Usually I am ALL about a good storm, but this one may cause power outages and that freaks me out. We would have no heat and no family in the area to take us in. Plus, yesterday I seriously stocked up the freezer/fridge WAY more than usual...before I knew they were calling for ice mixed in with the snow. I was freaking out last night at the thought of losing all the food we'd just bought, especially since replacing it would be a serious problem, but I'm really trying to leave my worries with God. So far, it is only kinda working. :)

Speaking of my failures as a Christian...

Does your church do the whole 'greet each other and shake hands' thing during service each week? Ours does. Usually, I'm able to squash my germaphobia and be pretty cool with it but yesterday...oh, yesterday.

See, right as service was starting I noticed the man in front of us wiping his nose. A lot. With his bare hand. Then, he kinda blew his nose. Into his bare hand. Then he wiped it's contents into his pocket. Immediately, I wanted to switch seats but it was pretty crowded in there and service had already started by then anyway. I kinda got a cold chill when I realized I'd soon have to shake that snot covered hand. Argh.

When the time finally came to do the hand-shaking, I decided to try and distract hubby and maybe it would make it possible for both of us to avoid the snot-hand. (I know, real Christian of me, huh?) Only, Hubs wasn't in on what I saw or my brilliant plan...so right away he turns to shake dude's hand. As does the kiddo. Me? Not so much. I kept my back to him and focused on the people behind me. (Who, for all I know, had far worse hands than the guy in front of me, but what you don't know can't hurt you, right?)

(I honestly did feel bad, you guys. I was thinking to myself afterward that Jesus touched the lepers, for goodness sake, how could I balk at touching a little snot?? I knew that I'd fallen pretty stinking short of following Him on this one!)

Anyway, I broke out the anti-bacterial gel and made sure we all lathered it on. Later in the car, kiddo mentioned that the guy in front of us kept grossing her out all service. I was all, "I know! Did you see him use his hand to blow his nose?!" and she was all, "EWWW! NO! But I saw him use it to pick ear jam out of his ear all stinking service!"

(I'd somehow missed this...must've been too focused on thinking about Jesus and the lepers!)

Needless to say, I broke out the gel again.

For some reason the whole thing has been on my mind off and on since then. It just bugs me how easily I cave in to weaknesses and end up following my flesh instead of following Jesus. I think next week I should deliberately seek this guy out and give him a big, fat hand-shake, and maybe spend a bit more time praying for God to help me better show His love to His people, despite my crazy hang-ups. ;)

Making progress

2011-01-29T10:42:00.002-05:00

Since my last post I am doing better. Not perfect, but better. I've worked out FOUR times this week, which lately is unheard of, and I even went for fifteen minutes and half a mile extra yesterday! Woo-hoo! :)

As for my eating, it is back to a more reasonable level once again. Again, not perfect. I did have pizza and cheesy bread Thursday night...but nothing for dessert. Last night I made chicken fajitas and only allowed myself two tortillas, instead of my usual tortilla pig-out! I haven't been eating snacky food really at all, except for air popped popcorn and 100 calorie packs of almonds. My water consumption is a bit better (although apparently not enough, because I'm having trouble *going* again, if you know what I mean. I'm 90% sure I have IBS because I deal with this and the other extreme on a regular basis. Sorry for the TMI!) and I'm feeling relatively well.

Still haven't weighed in. I'm trying to wait until Tuesday, but we'll see. How unfair is it that I'm supposed to be getting my monthly visitor that day??

Perhaps I should change the title of this post to 'Totally TMI' because I keep coming up with grosser and grosser personal info for you lovely people! :)

Anyway, right now as I'm typing this my husband and my kiddo are off buying donuts. I went ahead and made an egg white/green pepper/bacon (just one slice!) sandwich so that I would be strong...but at the last minute I asked Hubby to bring me one glazed donut hole. For a taste. Is that bad? Yeah, I know it is. But it's just the donut hole!! Gimme a break! :)

Well, that's my progress report. It's only a couple of days in the right direction, but its much better than a couple in the wrong direction! One day, one meal at a time, right?

Oh, and I just ate my donut hole. Eh. It wasn't that great at all. Funny how so often that's the case. My egg sandwich was soooo much better. ;-)

Food confessions

2011-01-27T10:49:00.004-05:00

I'm just going to say it: My diet has been completely out of control since at least the first of the year...well...even before that actually. I've not even been trying to eat properly. Brownies, chips, and various other crazy-bad snack foods, not to mention whatever food I felt like eating at any given meal, I'm eating it.

OUT. OF. CONTROL.

I haven't weighed in since the first week of January. I just really don't want to know how bad it's gotten. I do know that yesterday my jeans were tight and I had a bit of a muffin-top happening, so yeah, I'm up, just not sure how much. Argh. I don't understand how after almost two years, I completely went off the rails. What happened?

Well, it is partially a winter thing, I guess. I hate winter and I am seriously cooped up in here and eating has become a form of entertainment for me. I'm bored, therefore I eat.

Also, I haven't been sleeping well for quite awhile now, and I think being tired all of the time leads to eating a ton of convenience foods that are also high fat/high cal. The insomnia is also interfering with my will to exercise and my metabolism, too, I'm sure.

Excuses aside, I also love to eat. There, I said it. I loved eating those brownies...they are a pleasure that just can't be duplicated in healthy food! I love eating ooey, gooey, cheesy foods. It isn't anything psychological or deep, I just really enjoy them! I hate exercising. Well, most of the time, that is. Sometimes I love it once I get going, but not lately. Lately I am hurting and sluggish and barely making it through!

So, there you have it, yet another confession that I'm not doing well on the weight front. My weigh in is only days away and we'll see what the damage is then. In the meantime, I'm trying to make adjustments. I've worked out twice this week, hopefully today will be number three. I went overboard yesterday at lunch but tweaked my eating the rest of the day to make up for it. Today I had a nice, big breakfast with the hope of it keeping me from snacking later this afternoon.

The good news is that I know what to do to fix this. The bad news is that re-starting and re-motivating is hard. I recognize that it will be a struggle for the rest of my life to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but catching it before it gets too far out of hand is key to preventing a complete backslide, I think. Right now, I'm just going back to my day by day, meal by meal philosophy and hopefully before I know it I'll be back on track!

Many random thoughts

2011-01-25T11:35:00.003-05:00

So, I thought I was going to make it through the winter without having problem hands, but just this week they've started flaking up pretty badly...anyone have a really rockin' lotion they recommend?

Remember my germy library book problem? Well, Hubby figured out a way to download an e-book to the laptop and I've been reading the latest Grisham book on it the last couple of days. Verdict on a 'book-less' book experience? It has pros and cons. Pro: I have three weeks to read the book for free, just like any other library book. Pro: I can take the laptop upstairs and read in bed, something I would NEVER do with a library book. Pro: Didn't even need to buy a Nook or a Kindle and the books are free too! Con: I like the feel of holding a book when I read and this is obviously lacking that. Con: Can't focus as much on what I'm reading, it seems. Con: I'm trying to not be on the computer as much, and even though I'm technically not on the internet, I'm still on the computer! This is where I wonder if I'd like a Nook better...I can hold it in my hands and I can be OFF the computer. (For $149, it isn't like I'm running out and buying one though!)

Worked out yesterday...good. Ate many brownies....really, really bad.

My current Bible study is Breaking Free by Beth Moore and it is GOOOOD. I want desperately to slow down and take several days to digest each days work, but can't if I'm going to keep up with the group. I'm already planning to re-do the study at my own pace when the group wraps up. So much great stuff there!

Is anyone watching the Biggest Loser this year? I tried for one episode but honestly, the product placements kill me. If they'd shorten each episode to an hour and cut the blatant product pimping I'd probably watch. The way it is now however, nope. Can't do it. (Although, I should confess that I do the Extra sugar free gum trick that they push on the show...)

So yeah, I'm all over the place today but hey, I posted!

Boring week

2011-01-21T13:18:00.005-05:00

Well, here it is Friday already! It has been a big fat dud of a diet/exercise week, once again. Last week it was the kiddo and her cold (and a lot of other excuses that I can't remember right now!) and now this week I'm not feeling so hot. When I'm not feeling hot I tend to remain motionless for long periods of time, only interrupted by fast and furious binges of junk food. Bad combo, to say the least!

(Random change of subject)

So, I have a book from the library that I really want to read, but there's some yuck smeared on the pages about 1/4th of the way through the book. It's bringing out the crazy germ-a-phobe in me. Honestly, I hate having to read library books...I always wonder if the last borrower used it as bathroom reading material...but buying books for me to read on our budget just isn't possible. Hubby's been hinting at one day buying me an e-reader, but I've heard that the books aren't really that much cheaper that way, in some cases even more expensive! So, nasty library books, it is. Ugh.

Well, I'm racking my brain looking for something to talk about, but frankly I haven't left the house since Sunday (except for being a taxi for my daughter) and life within these walls is pretty dull most days. This week has had mostly identical days: do schoolwork in the morning and for most of the afternoon, play some Scattergories, watch Say yes to the Dress, argue a bit (we are getting cabin fever, I think, because we are both a tad grumpy these days!), eat food we shouldn't be, play some more Scattergories, and head to bed! Not a whole lot of bloggy material happening. ;-)

So, I guess I'm off to play some Scattergories! Hope you all have a wonderful, warm, and family-filled weekend! :)

Sanctity of Human Life week...my story

2011-01-17T12:59:00.005-05:00

Today I'm going to take a HUGE step away from my normal blog material and go super-deep into the personal...because I feel it is important for someone to hear what I'm about to say. It is one of the most private stories of my life, but I'm starting to realize that if I keep it to myself for the sake of privacy, I potentially strip that chapter of my life of any redeeming value. The story must be told so that God can use my mistakes to set someone else free, to guide someone else to a better decision than the one I made over 20 years ago. I had an abortion. This is my story.

I had just turned 18. I was a senior in high school and had been dating the same boy for a year and a half before I became pregnant. Finding out I was pregnant was in one way beyond terrifying -- but I also remember feeling oddly disconnected from the whole thing. I don't even remember discussing what our plans were with my boyfriend, but we must have at some point. Honestly, so much of this time of my life is blocked from my memory or is just a blur. What few real memories I do have I will share:

I do remember being extremely hormonal. We went on our senior class trip to Washington DC and there was one night in the hotel when I was yelling and losing it over something, I have no idea what. I distinctly remember my boyfriends best friend calling me psycho, and I remember feeling like I was drowning with that statement...I truly felt psycho but I couldn't stop freaking out. Everything was out of control and I felt like no one cared, no one noticed.

I remember going to the prom, and I remember my boyfriend and I fought at the after party. I think because he went swimming but I couldn't because everyone would see my stomach was showing. I remember sitting in a stairwell, in the dark, thinking how alone I was and how unfair it was that the girl bears the brunt of a pregnancy. I remember crying and crying and crying, there in that dark stairwell, thinking I'd never be able to stop crying and wondering how I was going to survive it all.

Soon after prom my boyfriend took me to Pizza Hut for a date one night, and then afterward, while sitting in his driveway in the car, he very coldly dumped me. While I was still pregnant with his child, practically a child myself. Need I even describe the scene? I completely freaked. I'm not sure there are words, really. Devastation. I remember thinking how easily he was suddenly free...yet I wasn't. I never really would be free.

The last 2-3 weeks of high school were nothing short of torturous. I cried all the time, even while sitting in class. Making matters worse, he was in almost all of my classes, yet even while I was carrying part of him inside of me, I was suddenly treated like a stranger by him. He'd even immediately started dating a girl from a different school...very pretty, fun, carefree, thin, and most certainly NOT pregnant. Again, I was so alone. To this day, I don't know how I got through those weeks, finals, ect.

Graduation. I remember feeling so sad, so heavy with loneliness and despair. I can't look at pictures of that day without being struck by the fact that I was actually carrying a baby at the time and also carrying a burden on my shoulders like I'd never known in my short life. I am amazed that I survived it. My memories of that day are literally dim, like the auditorium lights were turned down too low, the darkness that consumed me was that overpowering.

It wasn't until a week after graduation that I finally found the nerve to call and make an appointment for the abortion. I remember that I did it from a friends house, since it was a long distance call and I didn't want my mom to see it on the bill and then know I was pregnant. I let the ex-boyfriend know the date (he'd be driving me) and the cost (he'd split it with me...I used my graduation money to pay my half, a thought that oddly stands out to me and breaks my heart) and then, finally, the day came. I believe it was June 22, 1990.

I drove early that morning to pick up the ex. I knocked and knocked on his door...turns out he wasn't even awake. Ugh. Honestly, I have the hardest time forgiving that, of all things. He didn't even care enough to wake up on time. We drove to the appointment at a clinic about an hour from our hometown. There were protesters outside the building carrying signs...and that was beyond devastating to me. Instead of changing my mind in any way, they only made me feel more condemned, more small, more alone. The protesters screamed at me as I made my way inside. I just wanted to die.

There are parts of the day that are strongly ingrained into my brain in a way I can't explain. The waiting room was sadly very full. The nurse being so nice, holding my hand and listening to me cry and babble the whole time I lay on the table. The doctor, who was simply awful. He honestly couldn't have been worse if he'd tried. Literally half way through the 'procedure' he stopped everything to make sure I'd paid the higher tier fee. (You see, I was pretty far along and no one had realized how far until that point...apparently there was a higher fee the further along in your pregnancy you are. I'd already paid the higher fee but it wasn't until after he confirmed that fact that he continued.) That part of the day still makes my blood run cold. There are no words to describe that moment. Realizing I was that far along, but knowing it was far too late to stop. And this man, this so called doctor, was only worried I hadn't paid enough money. It takes my breath away.

At one point as I was lying there, it occurred to me that my baby was a boy. Perhaps someone in the room mentioned it, I honestly don't remember. But I was sure of it, all of a sudden. I still believe it to this day.

I distinctly remember the terrible, awful sounds. The intense pain. The absolute terror I felt. I remember these things as vividly as if I'd filmed them. Please, please know that it is NOT a gentle process. It is violent and loud and soul-crushing. It is every bit as awful as you think it is, and then much more.

It seemed like it took a very long time. Time stood still. And then suddenly it was over.

Afterward, I lay in a recliner in what they called a recovery room. What a joke, the word recovery. As if 30 minutes of rest in that chair was going to bring me back to normal after having my own child violently ripped from my womb. I remember feeling quite empty, both physically and emotionally. I recall that the girl lying next to me told me it was her third. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had put herself through this again and again and again. I remember it seemed like my brain was shouting: Just get me out of here. I. Must. Get. Away.

Finally they let me leave. I remember wondering if I would be able to walk. I even remember walking through the parking lot to leave. It felt like I was watching myself, kind of an out of body experience. Something inside of me was broken. The feeling scared me.

Driving home, there was silence in the car, except for my cries. I was looking out the window, sobbing uncontrollably. I literally cried the whole hour home. He had nothing to say.

My life that summer was a horrible jumble of emotions...until one day there were none at all. Believe it or not, I actually had two other major life traumas happening that summer on top of the abortion (perhaps another post...it was truly a bad summer) and I think I just became numb to all of it out of necessity. It was either that or completely lose my mind. Thoughts of my child and the abortion were pushed completely from my brain. For awhile, that is.

A couple of years later, there was a song called 'Tears of Heaven' on the radio. The very first time I heard it, it brought thoughts of that child back to me, and completely I lost it. I'd cry each and every time that stupid song came on the radio...and it was pretty often, let me tell you. This was perhaps the first time my numbness began to crack and I began to truly grieve. (To this day, I have to turn off the radio if that song comes on or I begin to cry.) I had finally started to work through the whole ordeal...but then it became too hard and I started drinking heavily and doing drugs for the next couple of years. Avoidance reared it's ugly head once again. There's a lot I could tell you from these years, but I'll just skip ahead to the healing.

Thankfully, I found God in 1996 and He helped me start to truly recover. He has forgiven me and convinced me that there IS no sin big enough to separate me from His love. That is so huge, you guys! NO SIN is too big. Am I completely set free from the effects of my abortion? Truthfully, no. Not yet. But I have hope that with God's help, there will be a day when I can answer yes to that question.

To anyone who reads this who is pregnant and is thinking of having an abortion: Listen to someone who knows. Abortion isn't the easy out they preach it to be. It is not going to solve a problem or fix your life. It is ugly, soul shattering, and unbelievably hard, and in the end it just replaces what you see to be one problem with a lifetime of other problems. Self hatred. Loathing. Shame. Fear. Loneliness. Terror. Grief. Regret as deep as you'll ever know. It isn't fixing anything, it's messing something inside of you up in a way that you'll not understand for quite some time. Please, do something for me. Put your hand on your heart for a minute and feel your heartbeat. Seriously. Do you feel it? Now, PLEASE, take a minute to consider that your baby (and it is a baby, make no mistake) also feels your heartbeat right now, this minute. He is being comforted by it...already being nurtured by you! No one else in your life is as close to you as that child is right now. That is a gift, a treasure, a blessing. Please, don't throw it away. Abortion is NOT the easy road, on the contrary, it is exceedingly hard.

To those who have already had an abortion and are struggling: Nothing or no one will truly heal you but God. Truly, self-inflicted pain and loss may be the hardest to overcome, because the hate and anger you feel is all internalized. There is no one else to lash out against...and the guilt and shame are overwhelming. BUT. God's love truly covers all. He wants to be the one to comfort you, to fill the hole that seems likely to swallow you, to hold you when you feel like no one else will. He doesn't hate you and His forgiveness is unconditional. Please, even the simplest of prayers can connect you to the God of great forgiveness and love. Just give Him a chance, that is all I ask.

Now, to the rest of you...I ask that you not only focus on the babies who are being aborted, but on the mothers as well. Perhaps some of them do go into it casually and come out the other end unscathed, but for the most part these ladies are the walking wounded, casualties of their own decisions, perhaps decisions they already wished they could take back before they even get off of that table. Don't hate them, judge them, or shame them...just love them. Minister to them the love of God, truly the only thing that will heal them. Give them a shoulder to cry on or just be an ear to listen. Above all, remember that these women are not the enemy. The enemy we are to fight is far, far worse. 'For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.' The real fight isn't won using protest signs and shouts of condemnation outside of an abortion clinic, the real fight is won with many prayers and supplications while we are down on our knees.

I know that this post was long and probably a bit disturbing, but I pray that someone will be changed by my story, perhaps someone will choose life for their child, or if it's too late for that, reach out and find forgiveness and new life with God. At any rate, let's all pray this week against the real enemy of life, the devil and the evil forces in this world who are working in ways we can not see and can only imagine. God is stronger...but we must pray.

This post has taken me literally over four hours to write. I am petrified to hit post and I don't even know for sure if I'll be brave enough to leave it up once I do...but if you are reading this, I do hope it has accomplished it's purpose.

Worked out again....and some deep thoughts ;-)

2011-01-15T16:37:00.004-05:00

Three days in a row!! I am so tickled to be back into that working out mindset again. Honestly, it is ALL a battle of the mind, isn't it? I'm finding most things in life are, actually, and those are the hardest battles for me to fight...but I'm still pressing on.

Eating is still pretty much hit or miss. I'm not beating myself up about it (well, mostly) because I know it's just a matter of re-focusing and re-stocking the house with GOOD stuff again. We've gotten into a really bad habit of keeping junk food in the house again...and that HAS to stop. If it's here, I'll eat it, end of story. I don't agree with some of the bloggers I read who keep their pantry stocked with junk food 'for the kids' and then vow to themselves they won't touch it.

Number one, your kids don't need that junk food any more than you do. Occasionally, sure. I don't believe in calling anything completely off limits, but keeping cookies, chips, ice cream, ect. constantly in the house is not good for anyone, much less kids who are forming life long habits now. Oh, and number two? You will eventually cave and eat it. You and I both know that it's going to happen. Stop living in denial already! :)

Switching subjects:

I've watched a couple of episodes of Intervention today and I have some thoughts. First, there was an episode where they did an intervention for two sisters with anorexia and I started thinking about why it is that it's acceptable to step in and tell people they're too thin...but not when they are getting too fat. It is not 'PC' to do that, right? But honestly, isn't it just as unhealthy to be overweight than it is to be underweight, if not more so?

Second, I am far too judgmental! Wow, I am so quick to want to yell at the people to just quit drinking and/or doing drugs already...but in my own life I want everyone to cut me some slack. Hmmm. Wanting others to change is easy, but actually changing myself? So hard.

At any rate, I'm trying to change ME right now, because really? I'm the only thing in this world I can control...so why not at least try?

Have a great weekend!

Tired

2011-01-14T11:26:00.004-05:00

So, I did a workout yesterday, finally, and I feel better already! I'm all dressed in my workout clothes for today so I have high hopes for two days in a row, although I haven't decided yet if I'll workout before lunch or in the late afternoon. Most likely late afternoon, since it helps me resist the snack attack that usually plagues me around that time everyday!

Hopefully I am still functional by then, though. I didn't get much sleep last night, courtesy of a 2am panic attack. Ugh. How I wish I could change this part of my life! I woke up to use the restroom (I usually do this multiple times each night...aging is just not convenient in so many ways!) and noticed a light on in my daughter's room. Turns out she was having stomach pains...which totally brings out the phobic side of me. (I have a strong phobia when it comes to vomit-related events, in case you aren't in the know of that lovely character perk that I struggle with constantly.)

Anyway, just a mere mention of stomach-aches, especially in the middle of the night, which for me is the most vulnerable time for the anxiety, puts me right over the edge. So...last night I am in bed, freaking out, literally shaking, for hours. Actually the shaking only lasted probably the first hour or two, but the panic lasts for much longer. After watching a few episodes of House and CSI on the tivo (how I try and distract myself) I finally got back to sleep around sunrise, and then slept till 9:30, not enough time to feel rested, that's for sure!

Of course, the kiddo is just fine, which I am so thankful for, but I hate that something so small and common can put me right over the edge like that. I am so over this mental issue thing.

My laptop is officially dead now, which stinks. Right now I'm using my daughter's computer...thankful we have a spare! Hubby is going to try to operate on my computer this weekend...keeping my fingers crossed. He is usually pretty good at do-it-yourself stuff, but occasionally, well, he isn't. So we'll see. ;)

I'm hoping to get some school work accomplished today, so I'd better move along! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

**Updated to add: I just finished my second workout in a row! I'm on a roll, people...

Trying to come up with something to talk about over here!

2011-01-13T15:46:00.003-05:00

I want to be a better blogger. I really do! I am trying to post more often in 2011...but honestly, I so rarely leave the house anymore, so what's there to talk about?

Hmmmm. Well, the following things are on my mind right now:
*The dishes are done, so there's that.
*The laundry is down to one load the washer and one in the dryer...but they've been hanging out there since yesterday. Oops. Really bad habit of mine, leaving it for the next day and then 'forgetting' it long enough to require a re-washing!
*The kitchen table is full of school stuff. Sometimes it stays that way till Friday afternoon, but most days we clean it off at the end of each day. This week, it's staying messy. I'm just giving in to the lazy.
*The kiddo is feeling a bit better.
*The dog needs a bath.
*I still haven't worked out this year. I am in dire need of a box of hair color and some new moisturizer. And a haircut. I am basically a hot mess right now.

Riveting, no?

So, speaking of the kiddo...she literally slept till noon today. I gave her Nyquil before bed around 9:30, and we didn't hear a peep from her until noon. It went on for so long that I honestly got a bit freaked out, thinking maybe the Nyquil put her in a coma or worse. I actually texted my husband in tears at 11:30. (Yes, I overreacted. That is what I do...I overreact.)

Anyway, she lives and she even has her appetite back, so yay! She still has a terrible cough/headache/stuffy nose thing going on, but she is back to laughing and joking so I can relax a bit. I'm still not pushing schoolwork very much, so next week is going to be a bear, trying to catch up!

As for me, I am currently in my workout clothes, shoes and all. The plan is to get on the treadmill at 4:30, which is coming quicker than I'm ready for! I am bound and determined to at least WALK for 30 minutes today! Doggone it, it is just so hard to get back into a habit of working out again, but I so need to do it. I was looking at some old pics of when I was working out everyday and dieting...I was 15 pounds heavier in the pics but I looked much thinner because I was so toned. That is just wrong. SO, time to get serious about this thing!

Okay, so I'm out of stuff to talk about today. Going to go get on the treadmill (oh yes, I will!) and then hop in the shower, finish that pesky laundry before I have to re-wash it, and then make some yummy chicken stir-fry for dinner! Hope you are all having great days out there!

It's a sick day around here

2011-01-12T14:56:00.003-05:00

Starting off with a random observation: It makes me sad that there are so many moms both on their blogs and on facebook the past few days bemoaning the fact that they are stuck at home when their kids due to a school snow day. I don't get it. I love, love, love spending time with my daughter! Yes, it was a bit tedious back in the days of playing Barbies and watching Dora, but still. To dread a day with your own child is a thought very foreign to me.

On that note, my daughter isn't feeling well at all today, sick with a cold/flu thing. I hate these days! We didn't even attempt to do any school work, and my house work has sadly suffered today as well. Truthfully there's no good reason that I can't go do a load of laundry, but I'm trying to keep the house as still and quiet as I can so that she can rest.

(That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Well, I'm off to ignore more chores, attend to my child, and generally be lazy today...

2011...only ten days late

2011-01-10T15:24:00.004-05:00

Still breathing. The holidays are always very, very hard for me mentally, and this year was among the worst I've ever experienced. Truthfully, the anxiety and stress kinda took the wind out of my sails...thus the blog silence. (Also, I am having major laptop malfunctions and that is not helping!)

I am thankfully not struggling as much right now, actually since Jan 2nd I've been doing better, but I must confess that my diet/exercising is still DREADFUL. Seriously. No exercise at all yet this year, and I've been eating junk nonstop. My first of the year weigh-in was 122, but if I'm completely honest...that was after skipping dinner on New Years Eve due to a major panic attack. I am currently up two pounds from that number. Most deservedly, I must say.

As for my other goals, they are actually in better shape. I've been doing myself up (dressing nicely, makeup and hair done) on most days, I'm studying the Bible again...both nightly with my husband and in a new ladies Bible study at church, I've been staying off the computer more, and I'm maintaining a sense of peace in my relationships. All in all, not too shabby considering how close to a nervous breakdown I was ten days ago! :)

So, did I make any resolutions this year? I didn't really, but I suppose when you get right down to it I do have a few. I'm still trying to drop 5-10 more pounds and tone up. I'm still trying to make sure I'm looking nice and acting nice each day. I'm still seeking God and His will in my life. I'm forever attempting to be a better wife and mother. I'm hoping that 2011 brings me the peace and joy that I'm forever striving to find.

I guess you could say that I'm resolving to be a better person as the year progresses...is that enough of a resolution for you? :)

I'd love to hear your resolutions, if you have any!

Sad little update for ya...

2010-12-17T10:31:00.003-05:00

I know that I said I'd update on some things I've been working on...so here goes.

Diet/exercise: So-so. I've been hitting the treadmill again, not everyday but around 3 times a week. The diet is not great...Christmas cookies, cherry cordials, that sort of thing. I know that the next two weeks will be hard, but hoping the first of the year brings renewed willpower and perhaps another few pounds off the scale in 2011.

Appearance: Last week was stellar. I was dressed nice with hair and makeup done almost everyday. This week, not so much. Slack city. I've been super-unnaturally fatigued this past week (my period wrapping up...could this be post-menstrual somehow?) and I've been slacking on a LOT of stuff, including looking nice. So, yeah. Fail this week on this one.

Relationships: Well, mostly okay on this one. I'm still struggling to find my peace in God and not in circumstances and people, and until I can manage to get there I will still struggle in my relationships. I have GOT to stop letting my unmet expectations dictate my attitudes and take my joy. Work in progress. I'm calling this one a fail, even though outwardly I am doing a bit better, inwardly I'm still a big ole mess.

Spiritually: Biggest fail of all. UGH. I am not even trying at this point...again. Why do I do this?! Not reading, barely praying, ignoring God on purpose almost. I know it all comes down to my lack of trust that He really has my back. Not sure how to develop trust where there isn't any. When will I get it through my head that all these other things will be easier if I can get this one right? Fail, fail, fail.

Living my life: Fail, again. Wow, this post is pathetic. I'm on the computer FAR too much again. Letting that fatigue get the best of me and not getting out of the house much. Letting fear have far too much control of me and almost shutting me down completely. Wishing I could just skip Christmas this year. So yeah, fail.

Sorry that I'm not here with great reports of my life turning around...perhaps next time. Right now, I am just treading water. I have such a hard time with the Christmas season and it's manifesting in pretty much every area of my life right now. So for now, I'm surviving minute to minute and hoping this feeling lifts with the new year.

Hard sacrifices (are there any other kind?)

2010-12-06T16:04:00.004-05:00

I'm back from my non-internet weekend and it went pretty well. I didn't cheat one time, and I got lots of reading done with the free time I had. The reading was nothing short of me-changing and it pretty much messed me up. In a good way. Kind of.

The book? It is Radical by David Platt. It is all kinds of amazing and eye opening and humbling and I could just go on and on. It has completely (and I do mean completely) changed the way I see both my relationship with God and my relationship with the world, and I'm only halfway through with it! I am realizing that I have been so, so wrong in how I view what being a Christian should be, at least for ME, and now I'm wondering how to actually put what I'm reading into practice, which is always where I tend to disconnect with a great truth.

NOT THIS TIME, I am praying. I can't this time.

So anyway, there's that. There WILL be more on this book later, I'm sure. :)

I got a couple of private emails and comments about my relationship rut so I wanted to try and clarify a bit without too many details, if possible. Let me start by saying that it is referring to my relationship with my husband, so there are more layers to this problem than what's on the surface. This is a covenant relationship and that is different. More complicated. Spiritual, even.

I also want to say that he is honestly a good man who is not being unfaithful or abusive in any way. That needs to be clear. I also need to say I truly do love him and that my vows were not only to my husband but to God, so I have to find a way to hold up my end of this covenant in a Biblical way. I'm finding more and more during my studies on this subject that my flesh/emotional responses are OFTEN the opposite of what God would have me do, so I am trying very hard to follow God right now, regardless of how weak and pathetic it makes me look or feel.

It all kinda comes down to this: If my desires/needs/dreams are not being addressed in the ways I'd like them to be (or addressed at all) but my bringing this up to my husband only brings increasing strife and pressure on our marriage (no matter how delicately I try to broach the subject) what more can I do?

Of course, I should also add that the problems don't lie only with my husband, God knows I am a freaking mess, but being that I am only one half of the problem means that I can't accomplish true peace/unity if the other half won't cooperate. Additionally, the more I try to bring the issues to the surface (and believe me, I HAVE tried for years) the more distress I place onto my marriage, and I'm convinced if I don't drop things that I may very well lose my marriage. I can truly see the damage being done.

So, I guess the better way to say it isn't that I'm totally GIVING UP those desires/needs/dreams, but giving them over to God. I have to be willing for those desires/needs/dreams to come second to my marriage vows. I don't see any other way, at least right now. Any other option (leaving him, being a nag, sowing more strife, ect) would be a sin on my part.

Trust me when I say that this is one of the hardest exercises in sacrifice I have ever gone through! I want to stand up and scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!" It all just seems so unfair. However, I am starting to see that often what seems unfair to us humans is sometimes just simply God's way of refining us. And you know what? If giving up these things ultimately brings me closer to God and His will for my life, even if it temporarily makes my life harder, well, it will be worth it.

After all, being a Christian should mean it isn't all about me getting MY will in this life anymore, but HIS will being accomplished through me and my circumstances WHATEVER they may be, and wow is this teaching me that it is much harder in practice than it is in theory!

No, this is not perfect or even close to ideal. No one knows this more than I do, believe me. I'm trying to let go of perfect and just focus on God, trusting that He has my back on this one.

So, there's a bit more explanation for you. I know it's vague and I HATE when blogs do that but in this case I have to do it this way out of respect to my husband. I also know that some of you may disagree with what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but I truly feel that I'm doing what God is asking of me during this season.

Updates on the other 'ruts' will be coming soon!

My many ruts and trying to find my way out of them

2010-12-03T12:08:00.003-05:00

Have you ever found yourself in a rut in a certain area of your life? I think we probably all have at one point or another, right? Well, what about being in a rut in pretty much every area of your life all at the same time? Yeah. That's a bit more problematic...and it's kinda where I've found myself lately.

In a rut with my diet/exercise plan, obviously.

In a rut with my closest relationships.

In a rut with my personal appearance.

In a rut spiritually. (This one is making all the others that much worse.)

In a rut emotionally.

In a 'life' rut...spending too much time avoiding life and not enough time living it. Just killing time.

There are probably more that I could come up with given more time, but that's enough to paint you all a picture of where I am right now. They say that admitting there is a problem is the first step in fixing it, right? Well, I have a problem. Thankfully though, I'm starting to make baby steps in trying to get back on track at least a little bit in each of these areas.

Diet/exercise: Trying to make better choices, one choice at a time. For example, last night I wanted a big bowl of cereal at bedtime, but instead of giving in like I've been doing far too often recently, I made air popped popcorn instead. +1 for me. Today I came THIS close to getting a Wendy's hamburger and fries, but I was a good girl and had Subway instead. +1 again. Trying to get more water during the day and using tricks like chewing gum to avoid mindless snacking. +2.

(I plan on trying to add in exercise again next week.)

Relationships: This one is much trickier, as it requires cooperation from other people in order to make any sort of decent progress. For now, I am just feeling my way around each day, trying to do my part. Most days I fail miserably, but some days I almost succeed. Honestly, I could fill a book with all of the details and complications in this category, but for now I won't. Let's just say I'm learning to sacrifice my needs, dreams, and wishes for the greater good of peace, and it is exceedingly difficult.

(I'm considering sharing more of my relationship struggles here, but I'm trying to decide if I can do it without a bashing or complaining tone. We'll see.)

Personal appearance: Okay, this is embarrassing to admit, but somewhere along the way I just stopped caring. My husband works very long hours and most days isn't home until I'm already showered and in my pj's...so why bother making myself look nice if he isn't even going to see me that way, right? Honestly, some days I don't even leave the house, and other days the most I'll end up doing is running to Walmart or the dollar store, so I just don't see the point of it all.

Well. I guess I underestimated the toll it would take on my self-esteem to always look dowdy, with no make up, hair pulled back, and sweatpants on everyday! Lately, I've honestly been feeling so ugly, so blah, so gross. So, this week I've made it a priority to actually put make-up on and do my hair each day. I've also dressed nicely most of the week, even on days no one saw me dressed but my daughter. It has already started making me feel more human again. I guess that's worth the 30 or so extra minutes of primping each day!

Spiritually: This one is huge. I have fallen so far away from God the last few weeks, you wouldn't even believe it. I have completely stopped trying to seek Him...no praying, no Bible study, no worship. I'm so far retreated into myself that I can no longer see HIM past ME and I hate it. So...I've started praying again, little prayers, but prayers nonetheless. I've decided to dedicate this weekend to trying to seek Him more...read some books, study the Bible, ect. Obviously, this will take more than a weekend to fix, but I have to start somewhere and hopefully it will snowball into a better relationship with God once again.

Emotionally: Ugh. Where do I even start? I guess my biggest weapon against this current emotional rut is to try to practice being thankful more for even the little things. Oh, and I've decided to try to fake being happy when necessary. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but really, I'm going to try it. What do I have to lose?

How I live my life: I spend a lot of time on the computer. Like, a lot. My daughter uses an online school and it requires me to sit in front of the computer for at least 5-6 hours a day for that, but even beyond that I am online for a few additional hours each day! It needs to be cut back, without a doubt. I MUST do this. I plan on starting this as soon as we're finished with school today, by limiting myself to only one hour online in the evening tonight, then offline all weekend (!). I'm actually a bit freaked about a total internet detox, but that alone tells me it's necessary.

So. I am in a rut, no -- in MANY ruts -- but I'm trying to dig my way out of them the best that I can. Any ideas in any of these areas are welcomed. (Just be nice!) Hopefully by this time next week I'll have some good reports to share. :)

Monthly weigh-in

2010-12-01T09:48:00.002-05:00

Weight this morning: 125.8

I'm up a bit again, but truthfully I'm not surprised. I haven't been doing what I know I should be doing and eating crazy bad lately, so yeah. It is what it is.

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Honestly, things in my personal life aren't great and I've kinda retreated into myself a bit. Hopefully I'll be back blogging again soon.

Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season. We have snow on the ground this morning, so it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...ready or not! (I'm not)

The lifting

2010-11-07T19:09:00.004-05:00

I'm breathing again. Thank God, because I was barely breathing for days, and I was truly afraid. Afraid that this would be the time that the darkness wouldn't retreat...that this would be the end of me.

Yet, here I stand. Not yet quite myself, but not so deep in the pit that I can't see the sun. There is light now, and for now it's enough. I have hope now, and I feel God's strength holding me together, most welcome, most needed. I finally cried out to him yesterday morning, after days and days of holding back my prayers. I knew other people were praying for me, some even strangers to me, and I was so unspeakably thankful for that because I couldn't, or wouldn't perhaps, do it for myself.

With the prayer came a slight lifting, and later I forgave someone a grudge I'd been holding, and more lifting came. Today came worship, and the lifting continued. There is now room in me to not only breathe, but take a deep, cleansing breath...and it feels like hope. I actually feel hopeful.

He is good.

Now I'm trying desperately to let go. Of the fear that grips me, of the anger that rises and rages, of the doubts and confusion that plague my relationship with God...of all illusion of control. Over and over, I've tried to let go and I've failed, more times than I can count, but what else can I do? I try again.

Hiding

2010-11-04T11:47:00.002-04:00

I have spent the last day and a half tucked into bed. Hiding under the blankets. Trying to feel safe, secure, numb, I don't know. Something. I am not sick in my body, and yes, I am definitely sick mentally, but it's more than that. I am sick in my heart. I am sad. Sad to the very deepest core of myself. Alone. More alone than I've felt in a long, long time.

Today I am out of bed, but not because I want to be, it's because I have to be. Tonight we have a volleyball dinner to attend for my daughter and I needed to get up and cook the Hawaiian coconut pudding that we're bringing. (It's a luau theme...quite lame but what can you do?) So now I'm up, out of bed, sitting in my chair, furiously hoping my pudding is forming something that resembles an edible consistency in the fridge right now, and quite frankly barely hanging on.

I just want to go back to bed.

I am tired...in my body, my brain, my innermost soul, my heart...so very tired. Too tired to even pretend to go through the motions of life. Now what?

Decision

2010-11-02T11:08:00.003-04:00

I decided to put my Nov. 1st weight at 124, since it was 123.6 on Saturday and 124.2 this morning...kinda in the middle of the two. ;-)

Not worried about being slightly up today, as I am once again moving slowly (since Saturday for goodness sakes!) and I know once it happens I'll be lighter. (Gross, but true)

Not much else to add, except that my favorite sandwich place (Penn Station) is having a sale on their 8 inch Philly subs (only $2.99!) and I'm thinking that I really must have one soon...

Ooops!

2010-11-01T18:37:00.000-04:00

Oh for goodness sakes, I just realized I was supposed to weigh-in today for my monthly weigh in! Well, it's too late to get an accurate number for today (I weigh-in before breakfast) so...I can either take Saturday's number, which would be two days early, or do it tomorrow, which would be one day late. What to do?

Welcome November

2010-11-01T10:43:00.002-04:00

Well here we are in November already! The past couple of months have just flown by, probably because we have been sooooo busy with school and extracurricular activities. November is looking to be a much slower month, so yay for that!

I did manage to get through Halloween weekend without eating any candy...well, except for a few dark chocolate kisses, but I eat those pretty much everyday. I bought Kit Kat's to pass out and I truly don't care for those, and my daughter decided that she was finally too old to trick or treat this year so we had no candy coming into the house...easy, peasy!

My eating was pretty good calorie wise all weekend, but not due to any great amount of effort on my part...nope, it was because I was in and out of a panic attack all weekend. Not fun. One of my anxiety issues focuses on food and when that flares up I find it extremely difficult to eat. I don't know how to explain it other than I get afraid of 99% of the food around me all of a sudden, and until I can find the one thing that I feel like I can eat, I'm panic filled and stressed out. It isn't fun for me and SO not fun for my family. Ugh. Anyway, I did eat over the weekend, but I don't think I had any protein whatsoever, so that may effect my weight negatively, who knows. I'm not weighing myself today regardless.

Tomorrow is voting day...something I participate in even though, truth be told, I'm not particularly inclined to believe either 'side' is going to do the right thing anymore. I used to be pretty political on my old blog, but after awhile it becomes hard to stand up for politicians when they all end up slimy and corrupt in the end. These days I just try to focus on God being in control no matter what political party is running this country (or state, or city, or whatever) but voting still seems important to me. I hope everyone has researched the various candidates and issues wherever you live and get out to make your opinion known at the polls tomorrow!

Happy November!

Weigh-in

2010-10-30T10:32:00.002-04:00

So, I said I'd do my official weigh-in this morning and it is down to 123.6 which is a loss of 2.4 pounds for the week.

That's what I was hoping to see, honestly. Basically, I'm back to my goal weight again...but I do think I'm going to push through to see if I can get down to 120, which is closer to the middle of what is considered 'normal' for my height on the bmi charts. It's something I've considered doing since I got to my original goal a year ago, but never had the motivation to try.

I'll visit that thought again on Monday, for now I'm just going to try and be good over the weekend and not un-do all my hard work this week! ;-) Have a great weekend, everyone.

Peeked

2010-10-29T10:12:00.002-04:00

So, last night was pizza night here in my house, but I did pretty well overall, only eating two cheese slices and one breadstick. I entered everything into Sparkpeople and even with the pizza I was under my calorie limit for the day!

BUT. This morning I did a weigh-in, even though I was going to wait until tomorrow for an 'official' Saturday morning weigh-in...and yes, I'm down (124.4 from 126 on Monday) but honestly I was hoping for more than that. I know, I know...be happy with any loss. It's just that I've been SO good all week and 124.4 is still higher than I'm used to seeing...

I suppose I'm just having a really bad morning (my depression/anxiety is always worst in the morning) and I'm wallowing in the yuck a bit. Sorry. :)

Anyway, day 4 went well. Eating within range and got my workout done. Onward to day 5!

Plugging along...and dangling on the edge

2010-10-28T10:47:00.003-04:00

Day four of being back to work on the diet/exercise program again! So far, I'm sticking to the plan on the eating side just fine. I'm entering all of my food onto Sparkpeople and staying within my calorie range each day. Actually, Tuesday I was UNDER my calorie range, which technically isn't good but I wasn't hungry so I just went with it. One day won't kill me. ;-)

Exercise has been okay. Monday and Tuesday I hit the treadmill and picked up right where I left off, doing the running/walking intervals for 30 minutes. Well...I probably should have eased back into it because yesterday I was wrecked. I could barely walk, my legs were so achy! I was also so fatigued that I wasn't really fully functioning whatsoever, so needless to say I took a rest day from workouts yesterday. So far today I am feeling a bit better, and hopefully I'll get a workout later today!

Mentally I'm dangling on the edge of a down cycle, but not actually in it yet. I hate this feeling, but I suppose it's better than riding out a week in the dark pit itself. I'm really hoping it passes before I get there. There is so much I want to say on this topic, so many thoughts that are tormenting me that I'd love to get out onto the screen, but I'm hesitant of doing it. I feel so exposed when I share too much, and really, does it help long term? So for now I am just trying to get through, as usual, because it just isn't something I have much control over when you get right down to it.

So I am trying to control what I can control...my weight! I haven't weighed myself all week, I think I'm waiting till Saturday like the old days, so we'll see if I'm making any difference this week at all. Hope everyone is doing well and for those of us in the midwest...hope you aren't blowing away! :)

How'd my day go?

2010-10-25T19:40:00.004-04:00

So, it was my first day back using Sparkpeople again...how did I do? Well, the first thing I've go to say is that I totally forgot how quickly you can consume all of your allotted calories for the day! I had one measly little enchilada with broccoli on the side for dinner and now I have no extra calories left over for a snack later! Although...air popped popcorn won't add many calories...

I did get my workout in...and I'm LOVING having the treadmill back! It is truly my absolute favorite way to workout. It felt SOOOO good! I'm one bottle of water away from meeting my daily goal...and I should have no problem getting it in before bedtime. All in all, I did well today.

But I do have to admit that I'm hungry. I've gotten so spoiled apparently! Oh well. A little hunger won't kill me, right? ;-)

Some thoughts this morning

2010-10-25T13:58:00.003-04:00

Just a few quick notes on a gray Monday morning:

*My treadmill is finally fixed...woo hoo! I'll be using it today for the first time in many months. So excited!

*I started using Sparkpeople again today. Why, you ask? Because I'm up to 126 again this morning. I thought for sure I'd go down a pound or two after my TOM passed, but nope. It seems to be sticking. Crap.

*I am so annoyed with myself. Literally within DAYS of my one-year maintenance anniversary I gain weight and it decides to stick around. Stinking Oreos got the best of me. (Okay okay, there was ice cream involved, too. And cake. Little Debbies. Even a couple of Reese's Cups. But I'm convinced the Oreo's are what did it. Little devil cookies, they are!)

Happy Monday to us all. May this week be a good (and Oreo free) one! :)

2010-10-22T14:53:00.003-04:00

I got tagged twice today so I'm going to do them both in one, giant blog post!

First, I was tagged by Dawn , who is very clever and funny and if you don't read her already you should...

7 Interesting Things About Me You Might Not Know: (Which I am alternately calling 7 freaky things about me you might not know, just cuz there's so many of those that I can't NOT list them!)
********************************************************
1. I have a crooked toe. It's the second toe on my right foot and it's been crooked for as long as I've been aware of it, no idea why. My husband talks to it sometimes. Yeah.

2. The soft spot on the top of my head (you know, what babies have) never closed up. One sharp, precisely aimed blow to the head and I'm a-goner. In theory. ;-)

3. My back is way crooked. (Sensing a theme yet?) I was diagnosed with scoliosis in junior high and instead of actually, I don't know, fixing it...my parents in their infinite wisdom decided to use an experimental treatment on me. It's hard to explain...but basically I had two electrodes taped to my back each night with a little machine on the other end. It sent a shock to my back every few seconds that supposedly tensed the muscles surrounding my spine and aligned it. It was even more painful than it sounds, I used it every night for TWO years, and no...it didn't work. So, my back is still crooked. And yes, I have constant back pain.

4. I am a huge germaphobe. I actually have a phobia of vomiting called emetophobia and suffered from it even as very small child. It sounds like no biggie, but in reality it kinda controls my life at times.

5. I married my husband after only knowing him four months. Nope, I was not pregnant, just young and in love.

6. I go through these weird cycles of either absolutely needing the TV on to sleep or can't sleep at all if it's on. I have no idea what flips the switch inside of me from one to the other...it just happens. Oh, and I can't sleep without a fan on, either. That one is pretty constant.

7. As a tween/teen, I had a king sized waterbed. I know, totally weird. My dad came across a buy-one-get-one offer of some sort, so my two younger sisters had twin sized beds (I honestly can't remember if theirs were waterbeds, too) and since he wanted a king-sized waterbed for him, I got the other one. I wonder if my friends thought I was cool?

Okay. Moving on...

The next one is from Summer, who is also on a weight loss journey and has a little daughter who she just started to homeschool! I am supposed to answer the following questions:

Where do you dream of traveling to one day, and why?
Well, I would LOVE to go Hawaii one day. Every time I see a show based there on TV, I start asking my husband if we can just move there. I mean really, WHY live anywhere else?

What do you like to do for fun?
As boring as it sounds, I just like to hang out with my family. We watch movies or play board games, go shopping, go walk or ride our bikes at the park, that kind of thing. If I'm alone, I like to read a good book or watch a movie, nothing exciting. I'm pretty boring for the most part. ;-)

What style of music do you prefer and why?
This one is so easy...80's music! Why? Two reasons: it reminds me of my youth, and we totally had the best music of all time back then.

What movies or TV shows do you like and why?
My current favorite TV shows are: House, Chuck, The Middle, Modern Family, The Office, and Big Bang Theory. My favorite TV shows of all time are Lost and Arrested Development, and if you haven't watched them, you really should. :-)

What Frustrates you and why?
SO much frustrates me, where do I start?! Well, it frustrates me when so-called fathers don't support their children. It frustrates me when people act like no one else matters in the world but them...for example, walking down the middle of the road and then getting mad when you dare come driving down with your car and they actually have to move. Or when people blare their music with no thought of anyone around them. That kind of thing. It also frustrates me when I see blatant injustice and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, I could REALLY go on about this one! However, moving on...

What is your favorite food? And for dessert?
Here I have to agree with Summer, PIZZA. :-) Dessert? Hmmmm. Perhaps a fresh from the oven slice of pie with a scoop of ice cream on the side, all melty. Yum. :-)

What is your favorite color?
Don't really have one! Boring, sorry.

Do you prefer cool or warmer weather and why?
SO hard to answer this one! I love both cool and warm, but not hot or cold. Summer and Winter...yuck. Spring and Fall? Perfect. And the why is because I'm a big ole wimp.

Phew! All done! Okay, now for tagging, which I super duper hate doing. I don't even know who reads here regularly anymore! Here goes:

Dawn, for the second one
Summer, for the first one
Marcy, either one she wants or both
Donetta, anything to get her blogging again!
Jo, either one she wants or both

Slight pause for wimpiness

2010-10-21T10:06:00.003-04:00

So the diet/exercise thing is kinda paused for a couple of days for my TOM. Oh, I know, that isn't an excuse to stop trying, but my periods hit hard with some serious cramping and it pretty much lays me up for about two days each month. Actually, the whole thing tends to pass quicker the older I get, so I just try and ride them out the best I can. Exercise is extremely hard while you can't even stand upright because of cramps, and the eating, well, you know. ;-)

But it's just for another day or two and I'll be back at it hard. I hope. In the meantime, I'm catching up on House and Gray's Anatomy on Hulu and trying to stay warm in my pretty-stinking-chilly house! Hubby says NO heat for awhile so....sweaters, sweatshirts, blankets, and lots of hot coffee are happening over here. At one point yesterday when the cramps were at their worst, I had all four happening at once! Wearing a sweatshirt, draped with a sweater-shawl, covered by a blanket, and sipping a cup of coffee! I'm a big wimp during my TOM, can ya tell?

I had one of my bad mornings today (I'll explain in a later post what my bad mornings are like, it is not PMS related) but it's after 10 am now and I'm already doing better, thank God. We're about to start schooling (ugh, I should post how THAT is going, too! 7th grade is HARD!) and then my daughter has her last volleyball game of the season this afternoon and I am REALLY hoping to not be in as much pain by then. Tonight is pizza night (don't judge me) and tomorrow is Friday...hurray for the weekend. :-)

Am I free?

2010-10-19T10:42:00.004-04:00

I was just reading a blog for the first time, and trying to 'get to know' the blogger by reading back through a month or so before committing to being a regular reader....and, what? Is that weird? Am I the only one who borderline blog-stalks someone on the first visit to their blog? ;-)

ANYWAY...I was looking at some pics of her and her family...all of them (frankly, quite more than) pleasantly plump...yet, all looking very happy and beautiful...sitting at a table eating some yummy (yet very fattening) food, all with very full plates and joyful smiles on their faces. I didn't judge them for any of this, quite the opposite actually, I found myself feeling almost envious of them. Wishing I could just sit down and eat with abandon all the yummy foods that I crave. Go back for seconds, thirds, dessert, ect. and not feel bad about it. Just enjoy what I want to enjoy in whatever portion I feel like eating. Envious of their freedom.

I mean, they LOOKED so happy! Big, yet still beautiful. Enjoying their food, enjoying their lives.

Yet, I really have no idea whatsoever if they actually FELT happy or if they felt regretful after that meal. I have no idea if they are sick in their bodies, with high blood pressure or diabetes. I have no clue if they have trouble walking or going up stairs, if they are short of breath or achy all over. I don't know if they are actively trying to lose weight and this meal was a fluke, a failure, or if they eat that way all of the time and have no regrets. I don't know anything at all about the people in the photo. Did they really FEEL free??

I do however, know myself pretty darn well. I know that I'd be happy for awhile as I ate that wonderful meal, but terribly regretful later. I know that I would be so miserable if I gained that much weight, no longer able to run with my husband or practice volleyball with my daughter. I know I'd be ashamed of every pair of jeans in a larger size that I'd have to go and buy, and every ten pounds I'd gain would feel like putting on chains. My knees would ache again, my back would be strained, I'd be constantly out of breath...and those were just all the things only 40 extra pounds brought me...imagine my condition after two hundred extra. I don't think I'd be smiling much, honestly. Doesn't really sound like freedom, really.

So I have to ask myself, is food worth it to me? Is that kind of 'freedom' worth the price I'd ultimately pay?

Dark, ugly confession: I am a person who constantly feels like I'm missing out on something other people have. I feel like I'm being cheated...of a nicer house, a nicer car, better clothes, more friends, family living nearby, disposable income, vacations, better hair-nails-skin-legs-whathaveyou....get the picture? I struggle with discontent in almost every area of my life. I think that is what I'm actually feeling when I see pics like that...that I'm somehow being cheated of eating all the cake I want to eat, all the pasta my stomach can hold, cheated of a freedom they have that I don't. Simply put, I'm feeling like it's not fair!

How silly. How embarrassing to admit, yet strangely empowering to realize. I have to find my contentment where I am, in every area of my life, not just food. As a Christian, this is extremely important to me, and I've been working on it (off and on) for many years. I believe I should have joy (which is different from happiness) in all things at all times! This should include when I'm turning down a stupid cupcake or only having one piece of chicken. I am NOT being cheated, I'm choosing a different path, a different outcome, perhaps even a different life. Every choice, no matter how big or small, has impact...be it big or small...and I can be content in my choices if I remember the BIGGER picture.

I still have freedom, but my freedom LOOKS different than theirs. I am free to run/walk/ride/skip/climb, free to breathe deeply, free to live longer and healthier perhaps. No, I can't go eat an entire box of cookies every day like I may wish I could, but I am free of the guilt and shame it would bring, free of the inevitable chains that would accompany it eventually. This is a freedom of a different color, a freedom that I choose. And, for now this very minute, I am content in that!

Just a lot of heavy thoughts on a Tuesday morning...sorry about that. Working stuff out, I suppose!

The good and the bad of my weekend

2010-10-18T12:26:00.002-04:00

Well, I had both good and bad over the weekend...

Good:

Had two long walk/runs with Hubby at the park. He always pushes me to go faster and farther than I go on my own, which is awesome. The colors in the park were so beautiful and the walks just put me in a really super good mood.

I didn't have any terrible snacks at all. Stuck to yogurt and almonds, and some baked potato chips...which isn't perfect but not terrible. I managed to skip the tortilla chips and queso dip, which hurt just a little. ;-)

Turning down donuts on Saturday morning while the rest of the family indulged!

Bad:

Lots of non-home cooking, which always means more calories. Tried to make good choices though, like Saturdays lunch was a rotisserie chicken with fruit/veggies on the side, which is actually something that should go into the 'good' category, but home-cooking is one of my goals so overall, bad.

Some late-night baked chips in bed last night. :-( Stopped myself before it was an outright binge though!

No workout on Saturday, although I did do a lot of walking between garage sales. ;-)

Weight this morning is still 125...which means the pound and a half I dropped last week is staying off, but I still haven't officially dropped below my magic cut-off number. Trying to remember it takes time.

So, Monday. So far nothing to report, other than a rainy day is going to hinder my laps, but perhaps I'll get motivated to put in a video later! Oh, and PMS this week, so I'm bracing myself...

Getting back up...

2010-10-15T16:01:00.002-04:00

So yeah, last night was a not-so-great pizza dinner. If I'd have just stopped at the pizza, which was veggies only, I'd have been kinda, sorta alright. BUT. I also loaded up on these cheesy breadsticks that brought TEARS to my eyes, they were just so good. Kinda worth it, sad to say. ;)

Today, so far that is, has been better. Did two laps this morning and I'm planning on two more with Hubby tonight. Ate a light breakfast and lunch, had a great snack a few minutes ago...yogurt and almonds. Tonight is a bit tricky though, since my daughter is going to a party and Hubby and I are on our own for dinner. Usually, if it's just the two of us we splurge for Penn Station (They have a chicken marinara sub that is SO good...with vinegar fries on the side, of course!) or something else that is NOT a good dinner while I'm trying to lose a few pounds.

There's always Subway...but I am STILL burnt out on that from LAST summer! I was eating it like 3 times a week, maybe more, and ugh. I'm over it. I can barely stomach it anymore, honestly. I could probably find something decent at a sit-down place but we're on a pretty tight budget till at least after Christmas. I'm actually thinking of just picking up a microwave dinner for me and letting Hubby get whatever he wants for himself...we'll see.

So anyway, sorry I'm posting a ton of boring 'here's my day today' posts all of a sudden...I'm finding it to be helpful accountability-wise so it is what it is!

Major pizza fail...

2010-10-14T20:26:00.000-04:00

Need I say more?

My new bedtime snack

2010-10-14T10:19:00.003-04:00

One of the best things I've done in a long time (diet-wise, that is) was to buy an air popper for popcorn. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. We only spent like $20 on it, and of course the raw popcorn costs next to nothing, and unless you add a bunch of stuff to it, the popcorn is SO low in calories while being unbelievably filling!

I've made this my bedtime snack the last two nights (yes, I should just cut the bedtime snack completely but honestly people, I'm just weak) and it has worked out so well. Hubby and kiddo love it too. Nightly (for the last two nights, that is) we've been happily munching away together, trying lots of different toppings and not having the ice cream guilt we usually do!

The first night I added spray butter and nacho cheese powder, but honestly it was just kind-of blah, so last night I tried a trick of hubby's that you might find odd...mustard! Soooo yummy. No salt, no butter, none of the chemicals that you get in microwave popcorn, just popcorny goodness. (No really, it IS good with mustard!)

Didn't weigh in this morning, as I'm currently a bit slow-moving in the digestive department again...(geesh, between the whole wheat bread, fiber cereal, apples, broccoli, and popcorn, you'd think all this fiber consumption would be helping this out!) so I'm patiently waiting to weigh in until I feel a bit, um, lighter. (I'm always about the tmi around here, what's up with that?)

Exercise yesterday: only two laps. No excuses.
Eating yesterday: on plan, except for a probably too big serving of lasagna last night for dinner.

Still plugging along...

The good and the bad

2010-10-13T09:38:00.004-04:00

So, there have been some good decisions and some bad decisions the last couple of days. I'll share...

Good: No junky snacks. Bad: McDonalds for lunch yesterday, fries included.

Good: Did my three laps around the block Monday. Bad: Didn't do any yesterday.

Good: Used our new air popper for a healthy snack last night. Bad: Added butter.

Good: Down a pound since Monday morning, now weighing 125.6. Bad: Still above 125.

So there you have it. I'm not doing awful but I haven't found that special groove yet. I'm about to head out for my walk, going to do 2 laps and try for 2 more later. Have a healthy lunch planned but dinner, well, it's one of those busy nights where the kiddo and I both have somewhere to be around dinner time, so I'm making something not super-great but I'll work on portion sizes at the very least.

Pressing on!

Attack of the oreo cookies

2010-10-11T11:16:00.003-04:00

I have been really, really bad. :-(

I've totally gone off the deep end with my eating. Like, fast food dinners more times than I'd like to admit and Oreo and Dorito's snacks all weekend long. Ice cream multiple times a week for weeks. Pancakes or waffles (with tons of syrup) for breakfast. Or McD's for breakfast. Or muffins for breakfast. Let's just say breakfast has been a mess. Cake all last week for my daughter's birthday. Little Debbie pumkin treats. Reese cups and peanut m&m's.

I could go on but you totally get it right? BAD.

As you can imagine, my weight is up. This morning the scale read 126.5...a full pound and a half above my magic number of 125 that sparks *diet mode* again. UGH. So, I am officially back on the weight loss train.

I still don't have the treadmill fixed so I'm walking around the block, which for some reason KILLS my feet and knees so I'm not able to walk as long or as far as I can on the treadmill, but it is what it is, for the time being at least. It's .6 miles around my block so my goal right now is to work up to 4 times around a day hopefully by the end of the week. Today I'd like to do 3 times at least...

As for my eating, obviously my junk food binge has GOT to stop. I'm due to go to the grocery store either today or tomorrow, so I'm going to be stocking up on yogurt, almonds, string cheese, popcorn, fiber bars...the snack food that I can feel better about eating. Probably some 100 calorie pack sweets and chips, too, because I know I'll want junk at some point and that's a great way of rationing it.

Dinners HAVE to be edited better. No more 4 tortilla fajita nights...just one tortilla allowed, or two corn ones. No more garlic bread with our spaghetti or lasagna...unless I make it myself with my 100% whole wheat diet bread, spray butter, and garlic powder. (Note: this is actually pretty good, so shame on me for falling back on the high cal Texas toast!) More boneless, skinless chicken breast meals once again, more brown pasta/rice, more veggies, more fruit. Back to the basics.

I am trying to remind myself that I KNOW exactly what to do to lose weight, it's just about DOING it. Last spring and summer, I simply purposed in my mind that I was going to do it and then, somehow, my mind sort of turned off to thinking about it at all. I just didn't really struggle, it just was what it was. It was oddly settled with me that I was going to eat a certain way and that was the bottom line. I have to figure out how get that mindset back.

So anyway, it's Monday morning and I'm back to work. I'm trying to look on the bright side: perhaps this is exactly the jump start I needed to get to my new goal weight! You never know. :)

Monthly weigh-in and one year anniversary!

2010-10-01T10:56:00.003-04:00

Weight today: 124

Well, today is my ONE YEAR anniversary of meeting my goal! (Actually, I officially met my goal on Oct. 3rd but for the sake of simplicity since I now weigh in on the first of the month, I'm tweaking it a bit!) I am up one pound from what I was on that day, but I'm having some, how should I say, trouble going for a couple of days, if you know what I mean, so I'm not sweating that pound at all. It'll definitely be gone once I get, ummm, moving again. Ahem.

So, I am excited that I'm still holding steady. I've been up a couple/down a couple all year but I think that's pretty normal. It is what it is, and it ISN'T gaining everything back and then some (which I've done in the past) so I'm happy. Well, sort of. I'm used to my body now and instead of feeling all skinny and accomplished like I did a year ago, I now notice all my left over bulges and there's just so much jiggle...

So, I'm actually thinking that I'll try to lose a few more pounds over the winter. I'd at least like to make 120 my new settling weight, although I'd be super tickled to get a couple of pounds under that, if possible. Mostly, I need to do a ton of toning. I've never really dedicated myself to that over the past year, and I need to finally do it now. Too much flab and loose skin hanging (ha! literally) around for me to really feel like I look as good as I could.

So, what's the plan? Well, I'm not going to 'diet' much, I'm just going to try to reign in the crazy eating I have been allowing lately. Go back to editing my food more and thinking smaller portions, ect. The biggest thing is that I really need to get back into working out! My treadmill is still broken but Hubster is on the case and hopefully it'll be back up and running soon, and in the meantime I'll try to get outside walking whenever I can. I know I should be doing my strength training videos too, but UGH, how I HATE them! Plus, every single time I start doing them I gain weight. EVERY TIME! So, we'll see. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm going to go ahead and set a goal of hitting 120 by my birthday, Feb. 16th. That means I'd only have to lose slightly less than a pound a month till then. Do-able, right? I'm honestly not going to be devastated if it doesn't happen, but I think I'm ready to start working toward something again. If nothing else, it'll snap me out of some serious diet/exercise complacency and make sure I'm still at least maintaining the previous loss!

So there it is, my one year update. Thanks for all the support in the last year and a half, by the way. Not sure I'd have stuck to it without ya'll! :)

Not good, people. Not good at all.

2010-09-18T21:11:00.003-04:00

Ya'll. My eating has SERIOUSLY gone off the rails. Just today for example: this morning I had a giant stack of blueberry pancakes (waving at Shauna!), at dinner I had a big hunk of lasagna and two big, buttery slices of Texas toast, and right now (as I type!) Hubby is out making an ice cream run for me.

Need I say what time of the month it is?

Treadmill still broken. Hips growing. Jeans tighter. Send help!

A slight change of heart and a very tired Missy

2010-09-08T15:54:00.004-04:00

To all who commented or emailed for the new blog address:

Um, yeah. About that. I may have jumped the gun on that one. I have, in fact, started a new blog, but I'm just not quite ready to open it up yet, I guess. Quite the chicken, I am.

This time, I'm embracing it. Whatever.

Instead, I'll try to post here more for now. No promises, as I've said that before and not followed through with it...but I will try.

Today's topic: My insomnia. (Cue the yawn) I am so tired!

I go through periods of insomnia at least once a month and I hate it sooo much. Last night, I slept a grand total of two hours, from 1 to 3. Yeah. I did get some valuable rerun tv watching done, however. An episode of CSI, a couple episodes of Law and Order SVU's, even a Ghost Whisperer or two. (For the record, these were the extra shows tivo picked to record for me. I love some, and others not so much. But at 5am I find that the less I like a show the better for me to possibly doze off while watching it!)

Oh, and I watched the old 80's movie 'Real Genius' on hulu, too. I SO still love that movie! It totally holds up to the test of time, has awesome music (listen to it on headphones for full effect, trust me), and Val Kilmer used to be quite the hottie, I must say. ;-) If you get a free couple of hours and need some free entertainment...I highly recommend it.

Anyway, I wasn't able to nap at all today and tonight is my first night of the Fall Women's Bible study at church, so here's hoping I don't doze off while the lights are out! (We watch Beth Moore video's and it is all nice and dark and quiet...)

Oh, and I totally ate two (totally huge) glazed donuts today. Don't judge me, I NEEDED a massive sugar infusion and they so did the trick. ;-)

Later...

Monthly weigh-in

2010-09-01T11:16:00.002-04:00

Weight this morning: 123.4
Feeling pretty good about that...one more month and I've managed to maintain the 40 pound loss for one whole year! I'm thinking of trying to lose seven more pounds over the winter...we'll see!

I've been pretty absent around here, at least it appears so. Actually, I've been writing a ton of posts that you never see. Posts that are honest, yet dark and depressing. I actually started a different blog so that I can get all of that junk out of me without boring you all with it! (If you are interested in seeing all the yuck in my brain, email me and I'll send a link...but be warned!)

Yes, I'm in a weird place yet again. Today, however, is a good day. So I'm going to just leave it at that. :)

Hope you are all doing well and enjoying what's left of your summer!

A blip?

2010-08-03T12:04:00.003-04:00

So, I did a quick weigh-in this morning (after breakfast, even) just to see if maybe it was a fluke the other day...and I'm back down to 122 again! I was on the tail end of my monthly stuff on Sunday, so maybe that was effecting the numbers, I don't know. (Or it could have been the TWO donuts I ate on Saturday...but surely not, right?! LOL...) At any rate, I'm feeling more confident in going back to the workouts again, so that's good.

I was posting some recent pics onto facebook today and there was a recent one of me looking pretty puffy and lumpy...so now I actually have even more motivation. I really need to tone and firm. I still have all this extra, sagging skin everywhere and it's pretty annoying, not to mention that my belly still pokes out, too. I hate that! I'm thinking that some daily sit-ups are in order. ;-)

After a couple months of feeling extremely depressed and stressed, I'm feeling a bit better the past couple of days, so maybe I'll be checking in more often again. Lots of thoughts to share, not a lot of patience to get them down into a post though! The funny thing is, when I was down in the dumps these last couple of months I actually wrote a TON of blog posts that never saw the 'POST' button...

Hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of summer! I'm pretty ready for Fall, honestly. A regular schedule, college football, jeans and sweatshirts, bonfires and s'mores...it all sounds good to me!

Monthly weigh-in

2010-08-01T09:27:00.002-04:00

Weight this morning: 124.2
A gain of 3.2 pounds!

UGH. This weight gain was all in the past week and guess what I started this past week? Strength training. EVERY SINGLE TIME I start strength training, I gain weight! It is SO frustrating. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Every time before, I stopped doing it so I could drop the few pounds gained, every time before it worked, so I suppose that is looking mighty tempting this time around, too.

Ah well...here's to next month!

Monthly weigh-in

2010-07-01T09:56:00.003-04:00

Weight this morning: 121

Monthly weigh-in time again! Honestly, June zoomed right by me, mostly because I spent the better part of it in bed with a serious case of bronchitis and because even since I've been well, I'm kinda stuck here at home so the days are kinda all blending together into one big blob of blah. My eating has NOT been well the past few days (PMS, need I say more?) but given that I wasn't eating much at all for at least a week of my sickness, it all kinda evened out, I suppose!

I should add that my scale was acting pretty wonky today. I stepped on and off of it four different times and each time (but two) the weight was just slightly different then the rest. (119.6 and 120.4 were the other two weights, I weighed 121 twice) What the heck? Not sure what that is all about, but I took the one that showed up twice to be fair.

So anyway, here's to July, may it be a great month for us all! :)

Boring, random stuff

2010-06-25T12:11:00.003-04:00

*I had not one, not two, but THREE blueberry muffins this morning. Now I feel pretty gross.

*I taught my daughter how to play rummy the other day, and now we play cards all day long. I used to let her win games when she was younger...now I wish she'd let me win more often.

*Remember when I said I was doing a bunch of small things to help lower our grocery bill? Yeah, about that. Not all of them took. First, my family HATED frozen concentrate OJ, and I was barely able to choke down our disgusting tap water so I basically stopped drinking water altogether. We now buy regular OJ and grocery store water again. Oh well.

*I haven't had a vehicle to drive in months now...and I've seriously become concerned with my sanity level. Stuck at home for a few days is no fun. Stuck at home for months is just plain wrong.

*For a few weeks, Walmart had Breyers Ice Cream priced at $1.98. Okay, first, Breyers is THE best ice cream out there. No really, it is. Second, that is WAY cheaper than we could buy ice cream cones...even at McDonalds which used to be our go-to summer dessert place. We we've been buying a LOT of Breyers.

*When we were at Walmart a few days ago, we noticed they'd raised the price back up to like $3.25 or something like that. Still cheap, but not less than two bucks! I was actually a little bit relieved. A couple more weeks of nightly scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and I'd need to start counting calories again!

*My 13th wedding anniversary is on Monday. Pretty cool.

*Sorry about the boring random-ness of this post. Not too much going on to talk about when I've been home for the entire month of June. ;-)

Bathing suit shopping

2010-06-23T13:33:00.003-04:00

No matter how much weight you lose, is it EVER fun trying on bathing suits? In my world, no. No it isn't. But I did find a way to make it far less painful than I thought it would be! Speed-shopping.

Yesterday I had roughly 45 minutes to find, try on, and purchase a bathing suit. I quickly tried on half a dozen, picked the least objectionable one, then paid and walked out the door with it all within that 45 minutes...no fuss, no muss. In a way, it was a blessing to be in such a hurry, because I didn't really have the time to dwell on the remaining lumps, rolls, and ever present weight-loss sag. I am still not even CLOSE to being toned, I look more like a melted candle then a fit and thin woman. Of course, I only have myself to blame, as I have still not really dedicated myself to a toning/strength training regimen. Or any regimen at all, really. I think my last workout was a month ago...

Anyway, I now own a swimming suit for the first time in a couple of years, and for the first time in about ten years it isn't one with a skirt-type bottom. (I have a very generous lower body) It is two pieces, but the top is long so they totally meet in the middle, even overlap, so it is just as good as a one-piece. The bottoms are boy-shorts, so there is adequate coverage I suppose, but not as forgiving as those wonderful skirt-bottom ones! Perhaps I'll post a pic for you guys, but it'll have to wait till I both shave my legs and let my ugly, red sunburn (with drastically different tan-lines then the suit so they REALLY stand out) fade away.

Now, if only I had a pool....

Living in a state of constantly falling apart

2010-06-22T01:14:00.004-04:00

So, tonight has found me in the middle of a big, ugly panic attack. For the past four hours, I've been an outright mess. Thankfully, my Hubby has gotten good over the past 13 years at reading my moods and helping me work my way through them, and he hung in there with me and I'm starting to feel a bit better.

I thought I'd sit down and write a bit, maybe get some more of the junk out of my head so I'll be able to sleep, especially since it is now after 1:00 am and I'm on day who-even-knows-what (16 ? Maybe 17?) of terrible, sporadic, almost-no sleep. Seriously, my insomnia situation is starting to freak me out, but that is another post for another time!

I don't know if I've ever shared my mental issues on this blog or not, but they are a HUGE part of my life, going back into my childhood as far as I can remember. I have some depression, most of the time that part is pretty manageable, but my main issue is anxiety. High, uncontrollable anxiety. Panic attacks, chronic worry, obsessive thoughts, a paralyzing phobia. Every day, every situation, every part of my life is wrapped around and pretty much controlled by this, and frankly I'm exhausted.

Oddly, I'm getting worse with time, even though I always expected that with maturity I'd overcome it. It is starting to really scare me, the thought that by the time that I'm elderly I'll be without my Mom and possibly my husband (they are my two rocks throughout it all) and be even worse (!) and I'll not know how to survive it. This is quickly becoming one of my new obsessive fears. Nice.

One of the other things that always tended to help me deal with my mental issues was my spiritual life, but sadly I'm really struggling these days with my relationship with God. Truly, I'm angry and confused, and don't know what to do with those feelings most of the time. I usually try to bottle those feelings up and just have as much faith as I can muster...but then I come to this place time and time again. I can't ignore my questions and doubts and I come to the end of my faith. I just fall apart, and honestly every time I eventually find my way back, but during the lull I feel so lost and alone. Why is this so hard?

Phew. I'm kinda coughing up everything all in one psychotic post! Believe it or not, this is seriously just the tip of the iceberg of my mental illness. The good news is that I am actually feeling better after getting this little bit of it off of my chest! It's now 2:21 in the morning, but these days I'm quite familiar with being wide awake at this hour. I'm just happy that sleep tonight even seems like a possibility to me now...an hour ago I wasn't so sure.

So look...I'm aware that this is showing WAY more of my mess than I've exposed here in the past and I'm not going to edit it for now...perhaps with daylight I'll come to my senses and delete it, perhaps not. What difference does it really make, anyway?

Here's the thing:
1. I'm greatly flawed. Screwed up, even.
2. I'm pretty isolated in my life and don't really have many friends.
3. I can't afford therapy and I'm dealing with this non-medicated.

Those things all added up mean that I need an outlet from time to time, so if it ends up here, who am I to care? Sometimes I get tired of hiding the mess, sometimes I just plain need to blurt it all out. This? Was a bit of a blurt, I'd say. Whatever. I need sleep, obviously. :-)

Changes

2010-06-21T19:17:00.004-04:00

Once upon a time I had a blog that WASN'T about food, exercise, and losing weight. I talked about my life, homeschooling my kid, my struggles, and my joys. Even politics. I ranted, I raved, I vented many grievances. Sometimes (oftentimes!) I even talked about nothing at all.

I made lots of friends, people I would never meet in 'real' life but who became a part of my life nonetheless. We bonded in the oddest ways and it was good...until it wasn't.

As time went on, I found myself sharing less and less of myself there, and I have no idea why. I didn't really have a bad experience, I just felt the need to move on...and so I did. Just deleted the blog one day and since then I've been completely without regret.

For the past year or so, I've had this little blog. It has been all about my struggle to lose some excess weight and keep it off...boring but helpful to me as I went along. Again, I met new people (although far fewer than the first time around) and shared a tiny bit of myself whenever the mood hit...which is also much less than the first time around. It has served it's purpose, this blog, and I've decided that instead of deleting it, I'm going to keep it around...but expand it a bit.

No longer will I feel driven to only post about my diet or exercise or (more often) the lack thereof. If I feel like posting about my favorite television show, a funny trip to the grocery store, something I read in the news, whatever...I shall. Does that mean I'll post more often? No idea. I'd love to say yes, but I know myself well! Does this mean that this blog will be as exhaustive as my original blog was at one time? Not even close.

I'll most likely continue to NOT post about my daughter or husband much, simply because I began to feel like I was sharing too much on the other blog and perhaps as my daughter gets older she won't be appreciative of her life being discussed online!

I'll most likely not be as political or controversial as I once was, because I've moved on from that place in my life. I've learned that the less I concern myself with such things, the better. I suppose in a way I'm the person I used to be so frustrated with -- bury my head in the sand and hope things will all work out -- but I have enough stress in my life, thankyouverymuch! Although I do occasionally still discuss those things with dear Hubby, I've no desire to share my opinions with others these days.

So anyway, just the heads up in case anyone cares. :-)

My Summer so far

2010-06-19T16:14:00.003-04:00

So I just spent the better part of two weeks in bed! My daughter passed a cold virus on to me and after the first two/three days it turned into something much more sinister...most likely bronchitis. Ugh. I was so sick! The worst part was the fact that I completely stopped sleeping at night, for eleven nights in a row, because I was coughing and choking and hacking nonstop every time I even came close to laying down.

One of the symptoms was a serious lack of appetite so you'd think I'd have dropped a bunch of weight, but sadly the little bit of food I was eating was pretty much all junk food...chips, tons of ice cream, peanut butter...not to mention that I was absolutely sedentary that entire two weeks, so it all kinda evened out. I am weighing in around 119-120 right now, but I expect that as I start eating more again I'll bounce back up again.

Then there was the isolation and loneliness! My daughter spent half of the first week sick right along with me, but her dad entertained her over the weekend and the entire second week she was gone with church activities from 8am to 9pm each day...so I was all alone. (Can you hear the violins?) Hubby was avoiding me completely the whole sickness, trying desperately to stay healthy himself, and I don't blame him. We certainly can't afford for him to miss any work right now! So...it was just me, my humidifier, the tv, and the internet. BORING. So seriously mindnumbingly boring. I'm pretty sure I'm dumber now than I was two weeks ago. ;-)

I watched the movie 'Australia' one night and wow, what a bad movie! I also watched 'Vanity Fair' with Reese Witherspoon (who I just love) and it was a bit better, but not great. (I have no idea why I'm sharing all this info with you...) There was a Law and Order marathon one day, a House marathon another. At one point I had nearly emptied the Tivo, which is unheard of around here. Truthfully, most of the days are just a feverish blur of nothingness, laying there refreshing facebook and my email every five minutes, desperate for a link to the real world...

Honestly, I think I kinda (just slightly) crossed into the insanity part of not sleeping a few times. A few times I became convinced I'd just never sleep again (and truthfully I'm still worried I won't sleep without Nyquil again!) and that I'd never, ever get better. I remember vividly one night at 4-ish in the morning thinking that life as I knew it was over. Dra-ma. ;-)

Hubby did a great job of keeping the house (relatively) cleaned up and dishes done. He even did a couple of loads of laundry for me! He kept the freezer stocked with ice cream and popsicles, made tons of trips to the pharmacy for me -- including one at 2:00 in the morning -- and stopped at the store more times than I can count. He is a good and patient man. Oh, and I finally got a full on hug from him this morning, although he still hasn't given me any kisses yet. Makes me laugh because usually I am the freaky germaphobe in the family! :-)

The worst part of the whole situation is that I feel like a big chunk of summer was stolen from me! I mean, one day it is the fifth of June and the next thing I know it's June 18th! What the heck?! Not fair one bit!

So...that's my Summer so far. Pity party much? LOL. I hope yours has been MUCH better...honestly, it HAS to have been!

Little changes add up...right?

2010-06-04T11:38:00.004-04:00

When I first started really trying to lose weight I decided to make small changes instead of big ones. For example, I didn't start working out two hours a day and cutting whole food groups like carbs completely out of my diet...I knew I couldn't maintain those things for very long!

So, I simply traded my sweet snack of choice at the time (Peanut m&m's) for 100 calorie packs and dark chocolate Hershey kisses. I traded my afternoon chip-fest for string cheese, almonds, and yogurt. I traded huge, overflowing plates (and seconds) at dinner for smaller plates and no seconds. I added fruits and veggies. I cut back on butter and cheese.

Small changes...but ones that led to weight loss over time. No quick fix. No drastic measures. Some of my changes were harder than others, and sometimes I wondered if they were making any difference, but eventually I saw the benefits.

So lately I wondered if this strategy would work in other areas of my life as well. At the grocery store, for example. Our food budget is much smaller these days than it used to be and I'm finding ways to make small changes that will hopefully add up to savings. Clipping coupons. Switching from bottled water to tap. Switching to frozen concentrated OJ. Cutting back on my daily coffee and switching to a cheaper brand. Using rags and dish towels instead of paper towels. Reducing the amount of side dishes I make. No more 100 calorie packs...except for the almonds because they are just worth it. (For real.) No more microwave meals for lunch. (That one is HARD!) There are more, but you get the idea.

Small changes, that will hopefully add up to make a difference.

Okay, so how about even MORE personally...like using this strategy to change my attitude? For example, using silence more often. Last night I was feeling grumpy and wanted to be rude to my husband, but instead I kinda just made a small decision to be silent for a bit. Now, this isn't a perfect solution (I could have just been NICE to hubby despite my feelings) but these are SMALL, baby steps...that's the point! I've been trying to make the small change of picking one thing to be thankful for when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Things like that, I'm sure I'll think of a thousand more!

So...I guess the point of this post is that maybe we'd all be better off focusing on the small things we can change instead of the big ones that overwhelm us. It takes longer to see real change perhaps, but it's better than attempting to do an instant, complete, dramatic self-makeover and failing miserably over and over and over again!

Or am I the only one who does that? :-)

Monthly weigh-in

2010-06-01T09:21:00.003-04:00

Weight today: 122.2

Still holding steady, although I'm not by any means watching what I eat enough, or exercising at all. I'm a HUGE slacker! I've started letting myself buy treats (um, junk) at the grocery store...which breaks my number one rule: the battle is won or lost at the grocery store. Um, yeah. It holds true, and I've been losing the battle lately!

So I informed Hubby last night that I have to put the breaks on all of the ice cream, Dorito's, ect. that have been finding themselves at home in our cart lately. I just have no will power when the bad alternatives are there in the kitchen waiting for me! Thankfully (hopefully!) I've caught this before I had a big gain.

Although, there was technically a gain this month if I'm being honest. Earlier this month I had dropped a couple more pounds, even weighing in under 120 one day and holding steady at 120 for about a week...but then the junk food buying spree happened and I'm back up those two pounds. So, my maintenance weight held steady but the two pound loss I was working on keeping is out the window. Oh well! Perhaps this month?

Thanks for the kind words after that last post, by the way. I was trying to get thoughts onto 'paper' so to speak and it kinda came out all pathetic, but it is what it is. ;-)

Hope that everyone is doing well and enjoying the Spring/Summer weather! It's the perfect time of year for weight loss...nice weather to exercise outside, awesome fruits and veggies to enjoy, and the incentive to look good in a tank top! :-)

Psycho-babble jibberish

2010-05-13T13:49:00.005-04:00

I am having one of those weeks that has been one big, fat FAIL. In every way imaginable, I have just completely sucked this week. I have been a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad dieter, a bad neighbor, a bad person. I have yelled at those who didn't deserve it, I have been a bad example, I've been self-indulgent, I have been ugly and weak, and most of all...I've been a failure.

I have all-out binged like three times....and I'm not even a binge type person. One night, on purpose, by myself, I went to the store just to buy junk food, with the sole intention of eating it all that night, simply because it had been a bad day. Earlier today I ate really high fat, high calorie food that I didn't even particularly care for, just to eat it. To feed the pain. Complete comfort food. Trying to self-medicate instead of using any measure of self-discipline.

Truth is, I've stopped even trying.

I have not exercised in 10 days. Not even a little. I'm completely slacking and deep down inside I know that I'm self-sabotaging. I feel ugly so I treat myself ugly. I don't 'deserve' to be thin and fit. I don't even feel like I deserve to be healthy.

I am struggling.

Confession is good for the soul, or so they say. So here is my confession: I hate myself. In fact, I am so full of self-hate today that I am feeling it deep down in my core, to the point of almost physical pain. It isn't because of the diet/exercise fail, it is what leads to the diet/exercise fail. What should be easy is hard. What should be hard is unbearable. Everything feels big and I feel small. I wonder how those around me can stand me...even I would love to escape from me.

This thinking, this feeling, is how I got fat in the first place.

To find a way to live with such a feeling of self-loathing requires a systematic emotional numbing of myself. If I move too much -- getting out of the house, exercising, socializing, having fun -- I start to feel too alive, too aware of the yuck, so I don't do anything other than what is absolutely necessary. To eat right requires too much clear-headed thinking and my mind won't focus...so we order pizza. Sugar and salt numb my brain, so bring it on in large quantities. The computer or a good book can be wonderful escapes...so I sit in my comfy chair and surf the web or lose myself in a book for hours.

Numb.

Oh, and let us not forget that self-loathing has a friend, and it's name is self-destructiveness.

Self destructiveness is one of the hardest patterns to break free from, let me tell you. It is deceptive, it hides, and it disguises itself as self-appreciation or even self-love. For example...what feels, at the time, like a reward (a bag of chips, skipping a workout, ect) for getting through a bad day is actually, subconsciously, a self administered punishment for the 'sins' I've committed to create said bad day. I've been (perhaps unknowingly? Perhaps not?) trying to take away what I've accomplished because deep down inside I feel that I don't deserve anything good in my life. Ugly deserves ugly. Pain just brings more pain. Punishment is deserved.

Does this even make any sense?

Honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is what was on my mind today. I am truly sorry for the rambling, ridiculous post. I'm just trying to figure a few things out, obviously! I'm a mess, therefore my diet/exercise plan is a mess...and I just wanted to come clean and perhaps start to get to the root of the problem. I'm afraid it goes deep.

Monthly weigh-in

2010-05-01T10:25:00.003-04:00

It's already time for the May weigh-in! Things are holding steady...my weight this morning was 123.2, which is exactly the same as it was last month!

Exercise has been spotty, if I'm being honest. I'll be really faithful and working hard for a few weeks and then slack off for a couple of weeks. I know I need to be way more consistent with this, especially since I still have quite a bit of toning up to do!

Hopefully one of these days I'll have some great pics of me all toned up and looking great...but first I have to convince myself to pick up the stinking weights and workout! It'll happen, I believe in me! :)

Have a great May everyone...it is one of my favorite months!

April weigh-in

2010-04-01T10:52:00.002-04:00

Monthly weigh-in time! Today's weight is 123.2 so we're holding steady. Well, steady-ish. I've been up and down between 122 and 125 all month, but that's alright, as long as I'm not going above 125, like I did briefly not long ago!

This week marks two special anniversaries for me: It marks one year since I officially started my diet/weight loss journey, and it also marks six months since I reached my goal and started maintenance! It has been quite a journey on both counts, but I'm feeling pretty good the whole year overall.

So...here's to another year of trying to make good food decisions and staying active. It's a daily battle, but one that is really worth it in the end.

A couple of steps back and a step forward again

2010-03-13T10:52:00.004-05:00

So, a few days ago I weighed in at 126.6, which is my highest since my goal was met and very much going in the absolute wrong direction. I know it isn't that bad numbers wise, especially considering where I was in the beginning, but was still stressing me out. The reason it bothers me so much is that it demonstrates a definite upward trend, and a quick one at that, since it's only been five months since I hit my goal weight. I know that if I don't nip this in the bud and soon, I'll end up right back where I started, and possibly even higher. It's happened to me in the past and I've read MANY blogs that tell the exact same story.

I do NOT want to yo-yo at this point. I want to be consistent!

So, that is why I'm concerned about an almost four pound gain. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, I'm simply trying to be proactive. Hope you guys understand. :-)

Anyway, I've been exercising really well in February in March so I knew my diet was the culprit. I've been letting myself eat pretty much whatever I wanted again. I got into a really bad habit of eating Special K as munchy food. It's easy to fool yourself into thinking it's okay because it isn't candy or chips or whatever...it's diet cereal! So, I'd fill up a coffee mug of dry Spec K and munch it while I'd watch tv, surf the internet, or read a book...sometimes refilling the mug before I was done. I was pretty much doing this every single day for a couple of weeks.

That is just one example of how I'd slipped back into old habits, there are many more I could tell. Needless to say, I'd stopped really trying. SO. I just started trying again. And you know what? It only took four days of cracking down to get me back under 123 again! Amazing.

I just have to continually remind myself that it is a daily fight and actually engage with that fight. I've never been one to be perfect 100% of the time. I let myself have treats and cheats to keep myself sane. BUT. I can't let it become constant treats and cheats! I also need to realize that just because it isn't cake that I'm munching all day doesn't mean it can't add up and cause weight gain if I don't practice moderation.

Truthfully, I hate the idea that I'm going to have to watch my eating for the rest of my life, but that is just the way it is. I have to be ever vigilant if I'm going to maintain this loss, period.

Hopefully everyone is doing well. It is finally almost SPRING! I can't tell you what a relief that is to me. Today is gray, windy, and rainy...but it is still better than the constant barrage of snow we got in February! Tonight we turn back the clocks and that means longer days, backyard bonfires, walks after dinner, and summer around the corner. GOOD stuff. ENJOY! :-)

Still up...

2010-03-01T09:40:00.003-05:00

My monthly weigh-in is officially 125.2. UGH. That is the magic number that puts me back into 'diet' mode again. I am VERY frustrated, because I have worked out extremely hard the past few weeks, both cardio and strength training.

SO....time to crack down on my eating again. It is the only way. Hopefully the April weigh in will look much better!

Exercise yes, diet...not so much

2010-02-23T12:17:00.003-05:00

So I'm just going to come out and say it: I am struggling!

The scale has not been my friend for most of this winter. I am back up to 125 (and sometimes 125.5 or even 126) and I can't seem to get the numbers to go back down. Here's the worst part: I have actually been working out really faithfully...and I even added in the dreaded strength training that I've been avoiding for so long. Let me tell you, it is so frustrating to be working out so hard that I feel it all over my body for a couple of days afterward...yet it isn't giving me any good results.

Again, for whatever reason, it is the food that seems to make things happen for me. I could work out all day long and not see the scale move one ounce, yet on the other extreme if I eat under 1200 calories a day and sit on my butt doing nothing, then the scale cooperates. UGH! I just want to eat what I want!!

Well to put it bluntly, my eating has NOT been great. I've been dealing with a ton of life problems and I have pretty much turned to comfort food. Not really editing much these days...that is the best way to put it. For example, I used to make chicken fajitas but eat mine without the tortillas. But these days I eat them with tortillas again, adding 300 calories to dinner a few days ago. I used to not make white pasta...now I am again. I used to carefully plan ahead using the internet before eating out, now I just order whatever I want again...including a brownie sundae a couple weeks ago! No editing going on at all.

I just cook what I want, order what I want, eat snacks, whatever. My water intake is down again, too. I know what to do to turn this around, but I'm just not really doing it. There are no 'good' snacks in the house, so I eat chips or handfuls of cereal straight from the box. (Side note: WHY do I keep buying junk?!? I have forgotten my dieting mantra: The battle is won or lost at the grocery store!) So many nights I'm just really mentally exhausted, so I ask Hubby to bring home pizza, no longer editing the breadsticks, by the way...and this happens a couple of times a week. BLAH.

Yeah, I know it does NO good to come here and whine about it, I should just DO it already, right?? Yep. I really should...

Random pics for no reason at all...

2010-02-12T17:13:00.004-05:00

I have been meaning to post this pic forever...
It just blows my mind how much different my face looked! Had to get it on here for a reminder of what I'm trying to prevent from happening again.

Just for fun, here's a pic I just scanned onto my computer from all the way back in 1997...

Hubby and I the year we got married. How cute are we? :)

Monthly weigh-in

2010-02-01T08:43:00.002-05:00

Well, my monthly weigh-in was up a pound and a half to 124.5. UGH. I hate that I wasn't able to take off that extra weight yet...but I WILL. Oh yes, I will.

On a possibly related note, I am still just 'spotting' and haven't officially started my monthly yet. It's been five days of this! I have had full-blown PMS the whole time, too...which has totally kicked my booty. I don't know what the heck is going on with my body right now. During the past few days I've had a few long episodes of heart palpitations, severe cramps and headaches, and of course the lovely night sweats, so I'm thinking it's just a big mess of peri-menopause.

BUT! I'm not using that as an excuse for the gain. I gained this weight early in the month, and I had time before last week to lose it but didn't. I slowed my metabolism down by slacking on exercise late last year and now I've got to just rev it back on up again! No biggie...I CAN do this!!

One pound down...one to go!

2010-01-28T09:41:00.003-05:00

Hello there! Yep, I'm still plugging away, just haven't been checking in much, since there's not a lot to say. I'm weighing in at 124 consistently now, which means I am down one of the two pounds I gained. My monthly weigh-in is in just a few days and I'd really like to be back to 123 by then, but I had a little surprise that may de-rail that plan!

For the first time that I can ever remember, I have started my monthly a full week early! What is up with that?? Granted, it isn't 'full-blown' just yet (I assume you ladies know what I mean) but I never, ever do this early. I am usually 27-28 days like clockwork! Hmmmm. Very weird.

I guess I don't really mind just getting it out of the way, but it does seriously throw a wrench in the losing one more pound before the 1st of February plan! I am still working out, despite my threats not to do so anymore, if for no other reason than I use the exercise as anxiety/depression medication. Can't afford the real stuff, so it's the best I can do! Still just using the treadmill and running/walking intervals for now. I really do plan on moving on to more variety and strength training workouts soon (I keep saying that!) but I'm waiting for the other pound to drop first. I'm looking forward to a summer where I might brave wearing tank tops and even SHORTS again! (Yikes, that sounds scary) Gotta tone the arms and legs....

Not much else to tell. I'm doing a little bit better mood-wise. The past two months have been BRUTAL! I'm hoping this upswing will continue, but we'll see. I just really, really, really want Spring to come. Missing walks in the park SO much. :-)