Monday, September 29, 2014

Week Two

The weekend was both good and bad, diet wise. The good is that I stayed within my calorie and fat range both days...the bad is that both days contained pizza. ;-)

I'm honestly not going to sweat it at all, though. I did the same thing last time, eating whatever I want -- as long as I stay within the calorie/fat range Sparkpeople sets up for me, that is. I feel like I'm less 'deprived' feeling and it feels like less of a diet and more of a portion restriction program. As I track my eating online, I soon realize I can eat more food if I choose smarter things and every decision becomes a trade-off. I treat it like I have $1200 in the bank and it's up to me how much I can buy with that money everyday. Pizza is expensive, but I can afford it if I budget properly. 

I am well aware it may be a slower process when I approach it like this. If I was only eating plain chicken breasts and broccoli all day long I'd most likely get where I want to go much quicker, however I doubt I could keep that up for long! I'm going for the long term here. Last time it took a full six months to get to goal, so I know this isn't going to be a quick couple of weeks till goal. We're talking MONTHS, not weeks, so I'm trying to be realistic here. 

I only did one workout over the weekend, but right now I'm focusing more on my food intake so I'm not sweating it. (HA! See what I did right there?!) I probably did about seven miles total last week, which is okay but not what I used to do, by any means. Part of this is me easing into it, part of it is me being wimpy, and part of it is slightly strategic. See, when I workout hardcore I tend to get famished, and then I am constantly hungry, which in turn makes calorie counting seem downright torturous. Right now I only want to workout enough to get a quick metabolism boost but not make my appetite jump up, and after awhile I'll start to kick up the intensity and frequency of working out. 

That's the plan, anyway. ;-)

So I am officially on week two now. This week will hopefully mirror last week in both diet and exercise (and pounds lost) but I'm going to take it one day at a time. It is also PMS week and I'm feeling a great deal of stress on behalf of my poor, stressed out teenager right now, so I'm perhaps taking it one hour at a time right now! :)

Sunday, September 28, 2014


So apparently I'm not getting notification of new comments,  because I just noticed there were several stuck in moderation. Ooops. My bad! :)

Honestly, I assumed I was talking to myself over here, but there are a couple of you die-hard awesome lovelies hanging out after all! So anyway, I guess I'll check every once in awhile...sorry about that! 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Weigh in

Weight last week: 144
Weight today: 141
Loss of 3 pounds

I finally, FINALLY, stuck to it for five days in a row! And the results of that was a three pound weight loss for the week, so it was well worth it. Woo Hoo! Now if I can just do this for the next 8 to 10 weeks, I'll be where I feel most comfortable again. It seems daunting, to be honest, but I'm just going to try and focus on one day at a time for now.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Failing. Still.

Since I posted last night, barely over 12 hours ago, I have failed HARD and OFTEN. I skipped dinner due to the pre-dinner binge, but then ten thirty rolled around and I was feeling kinda off so I grabbed a giant bag of m&m's (that I always keep in the house, more about this in a minute) and went to town on it. Sigh. 

Then this morning I woke feeling weak and fatigued (this whole week has been horrible with fatigue, weakness, and heart palpitations) so I grabbed a bowl of cereal right away. An hour later, I still felt gross and my husband called to see if I wanted him to bring me anything for breakfast on his way home from dropping our daughter at school. And even though I'd already had breakfast, I asked for a BK Croissan'wich AND a few TimBits (donut holes) from Tim Hortons. So I had not one, not two, but THREE breakfasts this morning. 

So wow. It's 11 am and I've already messed up today. Heck, it's only about 15 hours since I vowed here to do better and I've failed three times already since then. 

Honestly so much of it is how I feel physically. I tend to eat to feel better, to get energy, to get through the day essentially. Yes, I probably do need to go see the doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of ovulation this week and perimenopause. I would no doubt end up refusing to do hormone treatments, so going to the doctor is kinda a waste of time and precious energy, not to mention a source of unneeded anxiety.

And speaking of anxiety, that's what the m&m's are for. Oddly they serve as my anxiety medication. No idea why, but half of the time they help. (Why can't apples do this?) I have anxiety daily, some days unbearably anxious and filled with panic attacks, so sadly I'm turning to m&m's often. How stupid and weak. Obviously it's the placebo effect in action, but when I'm desperate and feeling like I want to die, I cave. It's a weird, unhealthy, coping mechanism.

So in the interest of complete honesty I am here, confessing, and hopefully the public shaming will eventually course correct my eating/exercise habits. I know it's pathetic, look away by all means, but I am determined to keep trying, however lame those tries may be. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Weight gain, still

So I am up twenty pounds now, weighing in this morning at 144. Ugh. I am just so frustrated at my lack of discipline and overeating! Just ten minutes ago, I ate a crapload of tortilla chips with guacamole and a pack of mini-oreos. An hour before dinner. What the heck?

I am just giving in time and time again. Eating out of boredom, eating to try and get energy, eating out of genuine hunger but choosing the wrong food, mindless snacking in front of the tv or computer. Just day after day, eating crap and too much of it. I know exactly how to stop the madness, but I don't, I allow it to continue even sometimes feeling oddly spiteful to myself as I'm doing it. It makes no sense. 

So I'm here to try and get a bit of focus, maybe some accountability, or perhaps just to vent...I don't know. But here I am, and hopefully its the beginning of turning this downslide around. My goal is to lose twenty pounds by the new year...but truthfully even ten by then would be great.

Specific ways to make it happen are the same as always: First, workout everyday, for at least a mile and a half. That is approximately 25 minutes worth of movement so there aren't any excuses. This should only be my starting point, but I guess I have to start somewhere. Second, eat less and better! Keep junk out of the house at all costs because if it is here, I will eat it. Watch portions. Edit creatively, leaving off the bad condiments and extra breads, etc.

Lastly, kicking up my water intake. Although I've seen studies that it isn't as important for weight loss as they once thought, constantly drinking it tends to remind me throughout the day that I'm pushing towards something, I'm actively pursuing something, I'm flushing out the bad and getting healthy. 

And yes, this is all a repeat of several attempts to get back into the game over the past two years. I'm aware of how ridiculous I am for coming here yet again and saying the same crap only to inevitably fail soon after. But whatever. Its a start...I hope. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Where do you start when you want to change EVERYTHING about your life??

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


This post is why I should keep the blog private. Because frankly I am full of sad and yuck and self pity. Because I apparently have nothing of any value to offer anyone, and that's why I am lonely and totally friendless at this point. The few friends I once had have all disappeared in the wake of my spiritual implosion, which frankly tells me a lot not only about them, but about Christianity itself. When I disappeared from church over a year ago, not one person called to try and help me, or save me, or council me. If they truly believe in what they say they do...wouldn't they at least try to save me from the hell where they say I'm heading? Am I not worth the trouble of something that important? Apparently not.

The hardest part is that even my mom is pulling away from me, unable to see past my doubts and questions, or maybe just frustrated by her own lack of answers for me, I don't know. So now I am truly left alone, but for my husband and daughter, who thankfully both stand beside me like the rocks that they are, and that really is enough in a way, because they love me so unconditionally. 

But the complete rejection from everyone else? It sucks. And it's lonely.

I am without hope today. Yes, I am definitely in one of my down-cycles (helped along, I am sure, by both hormones and the long hard winter we're dealing with, but dark and scary nonetheless) and I just don't see any hope for my future anymore. As long as my mental issues are this strong, what can I do to help make anything better? I very rarely have the wherewithal to even leave the house these days. I desperately want to get a part time job, but for every day I feel strong enough to do that, there are two or three that knock me back down to reality. I want to find new friends, even just one, but I'm unsure of the how or the where or the who. Again...what to I have of value to add to anyone? I honestly don't want to be a taker, but sometimes mental disabilities suck the life out of everyone around you, taking and taking from anyone who cares...until they don't anymore. 

Blah. I will regret posting this later. Whatever.    

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I'm back

So, after receiving a few emails asking about being blocked, I thought I'd explain.  I did an experiment a couple of months ago where I took the blog completely private to only serve as a 'diary' of sorts for all of my yucky yuckness...and then only wrote three very lame posts. So. Whatever. I'm back. (Although possibly no one is around to read any more, which would be so ironic)

What's new? Nothing. Same mess, same weight gain (possibly up more though), same negative depressing me. Aren't you glad I'm updating? 

I'm having a particularly bad day today. It's the last day of 2013 and as far as I can tell, 2014 will be just as crappy. Everyone on my facebook page is all positive and looking forward to the new year, and I so wish to be like them. Having mental illness SUCKS. I am tired. I am a slave to it. I am angry. I am at the end of me...but then, I've been there for a long time now.

People wonder how I could have possibly lost my faith in God, well let me tell you. Being in despair so often and being on your face, literally, before God...BEGGING, PLEADING to be well...and then only getting worse, well, I'm left with two options. Number one: God doesn't care enough to give me enough sanity and peace to at least not have to fight to want to live each day. Number two: He doesn't exist. 

Oh I know, there are other options. But frankly I think they're all crap. Bigger picture, bigger plan, blah blah blah. I am a PARENT. I would, even in my mortal imperfect ways, do ANYTHING to at the very least equip my daughter to live with hope and peace. So if God is my father, and He HAS that power and MORE, why wouldn't He (in love, right?) do that for me. At the least?!?


My anger at God is the only thing that convinces me that He may actually be real.   

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Big day OVER!

Well, we made it through my daughter's quinceanera and I'm still in one piece. That's not to say there weren't numerous breakdowns along the way (oh, there were!) and several ugly childish fits thrown (by me) in the days leading up to it, but here we are on the other side now! (As a bit of a TMI, I started my 'monthly special time' hours before the event, so yeah, stress plus PMS is quite a combo for me!) In the end, everything went relatively smoothly and Gabby had a really wonderful evening, so it was all worth it. 

As for fitting my dress, I did, but barely. It was tight-ish and not as flattering as I'd hoped, but it zipped and I could even sit and walk in it, so yay. This was probably due to the fact that I'd almost completely stopped being able to eat for the last couple of days leading up to the party! I did a weigh in Saturday morning and it showed 134 but I'm not making it official because it was almost certainly the result of dehydration, not actual pounds lost! 

(And sure enough, my appetite is back today and I've already totally crushed an order of teriyaki chicken!)

I'm just so grateful to be back in the land of the ordinary again, no special events looming, no busy schedule, no ten checklists to go over, no endless crafting of centerpieces, endless shopping, and mega-stressing! Just plain old life. Good stuff. I know that there are many people who enjoy planning parties or dinners or those types of things but I am definitely NOT one of those people! When it's time for Gabby's wedding, hopefully I can afford a wedding planner! :)


Saturday, September 28, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 137.5
Loss for the week: Half a pound

Sigh. It is what it is. One week till big event, it is now too late to make much of a difference. I'm really hoping the dress I bought will fit, because it was a bit tight when I bought it. Silly me, I honestly thought I'd muster all this self-control and discipline to lose a few pounds in a month. 

Seriously, is there anything more frustrating than failing yourself day after day? What is that?! And really, that is why I'm upset...not the weight issue (although UGH I'm ready for my old clothes to fit again!) but the feeling of defeat, of weakness, of failure.

I know I'm annoying with the constant, 'just buckle down and do what you need to do already' right? I honestly don't know why I'm being so weak and pathetic about this. Truthfully, I am just a hot mess right now, between the stress of this party coming up and the hormones that get worse this time of the month, not to mention the anxiety/depression that is my constant companion. Excuses, yes, but doggone it, the combination of all this has me standing on the edge of a breakdown time and time again. 

I am just not a strong person anymore. I used to be such a strong person when I was young, honestly, but this constant mental, physical, and hormonal torture year after year has just broken me. I am so tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to pull it together. So I just let myself be weak and I'm so ashamed of this. 

You know, I used to judge people for whatever I perceived to be their weaknesses, but not any longer. I am finally in a position where I find myself judging no one. It is odd, the freedom in that. I've finally realized that we are ALL weak in our own ways. We are ALL in a fight, in a struggle, an internal or external battle, aren't we? True, it isn't always thrust upon us from circumstances or other people, yes, sometimes we pick it up ourselves for whatever reason, but even then aren't we all, on some level, self destructive? Isn't that ultimately the human condition? 

Okay so this became a bit deeper than my usual weigh in, didn't it? :) I just have so much on my mind and no place to spill it, so bits of it creep out here occasionally. Sorry! Back to the subject at hand: my weight. Hopefully this week takes off a pound or even two, but if it doesn't onward I go. I can't let myself feel so defeated over something so insignificant. It is what it is.